A man in a supermarket was pushing a cart which contained, among other things, a screaming baby. As the man proceeded along the aisles, he kept repeating softly, "Keep calm, George. Don't get excited, George. Don't yell, George."

A lady watched with admiration and then said, "You are certainly to be commended for your patience in trying to quiet little George."

"Lady," he declared, "I'M George!"

My job as a land surveyor took me to a golf course that was expanding from 9 holes to 18 holes.

Using a machete to clear thick brush in an area I was mapping, I came upon a golf club that an irate player must have tossed away. It was in good condition, so I picked it up and continued on.

When I broke out of the brush onto a putting green, two golfers stared at me in awe. I had a machete in one hand, a golf club in the other, and behind me was a clear-cut swath leading out of the woods.

"There," said one of the golfers, "is a guy who hates to lose his ball!"

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

The company I work for offers tours through the historic district of Annapolis, Maryland, led by guides dressed in Colonial clothing. While leading a group, Felix, one of our guides, tripped and fell, breaking his wrist.

He went to the hospital, and as he sat waiting in the emergency room, a policeman walked by. Doing a double take at Felix in his 18th-century garb, he asked, "Just how long have you been waiting?"

Our children's Sunday School classes were presenting a program for the congregation - telling about the life of Jesus.

When it came to the part about Jesus' miracles, one little boy said, "Yes, Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead!" The teacher urged him to tell us more.

He said, "Well, Jesus told them to open the tomb, and then He said, 'Lazarus, come out!' And it's a good thing he didn't just say 'Come out!' because there would have been a stampede of dead guys."

"Oh," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!"

Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not surprised: You've been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years!"
Follow-up: The Husband is currently sleeping in the garage.

Rushing to a bridge tournament, I was pulled over for going 43 in a 35 MPH zone.

"What'll I tell my husband?" I worried, explaining to the police officer that my spouse was a self-described "perfect" driver.

The cop took a second look at the name and address on my license. "Did your husband go duck hunting this morning?"

"Yes," I said, baffled as to how he knew.

The officer finished with, "I stopped him for going 47."

A young man once asked God how long a million years was to him.

God replied, "A million years to me is just like a single second to you."

The young man asked God what a million dollars was to him.

God replied, "A million dollars to me is just like a single penny to you."

Then the young man got his courage up and asked, "God, could I have one of your pennies?"

God smiled and replies, "Certainly, just a second."

A woman went to a computer dating service and said she didn't care about looks, income or background. All she wanted was a man of upright character.

Then a man came in and told them the only thing he was seeking in a woman was intelligence.

The service matched them together at once because they had one thing in common - they were both compulsive liars.

The couple was delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them that there was a wonderful Russian baby boy available. The couple accepted him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.

After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian?"

The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby. In a year or so, when he begins to talk, we want to be able to understand him."

One afternoon, I was in the backyard hanging the laundry when an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard.

I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when I walked into the house, he followed me, sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour.

This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: “Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.”

The next day he arrived with a response pinned to his collar: “We have ten children - he’s trying to catch up on his sleep.”

We are fortunate our grand-children live close by and visit us often.

When our seven-year-old granddaughter comes over, she loves to watch her grandmother when she is baking. "Grandma," she asked one day, "where did you learn how to cook?"

Grandma told her that she learned from her mother and passed on this knowledge to her daughter. "Someday," she continued, "your mother will pass this knowledge along to you."

There was a short silence. "No, I don't think so," she said. "Mom puts everything in the microwave."

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

Sermon complete, he sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."

After learning the Lamaze method of natural childbirth, I was admitted to the delivery room with my wife.

It seemed like an eternity before the doctor finally announced, "I've got the head now; just a few more minutes."

"Is it a girl or boy?" I asked excitedly.

The doctor replied, "I don't know. It's hard to tell by the ears."

One night I woke myself up with a loud "Hello!" to someone in my dream.
As the next day came and went, I thought the nocturnal outburst was mine alone to remember.

But that night, as my wife and I were getting ready for bed, she said dryly, "If you see anyone you know tonight, just wave."

A hesitant driver, waiting for a traffic jam to clear, came to a complete stop on the freeway on-ramp.

The traffic thinned, but the driver still waited. Finally a furious voice from the vehicle behind him cried, "Hey, fellow! The sign says 'Yield,' not 'surrender"!

Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving?
The turkey because he’s already stuffed!

Why can’t you take a turkey to church?
Because they use such FOWL language!
Why did they let the turkey join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.

Why did the turkey eat his meal so quickly?
Because he was a gobbler.

What kind of music did the Pilgrims like?
Plymouth Rock!

When did the Pilgrims first say "God bless America"?
The first time they heard America sneeze!

Why did the Pilgrim eat a candle?
He wanted a light snack!

The teacher asked her students to write a composition entitled, "What I'm thankful for, on Thanksgiving".
One student wrote, "I am thankful that I'm not a turkey."

My family traditionally begins the evening meal with a prayer of thanks. When they were old enough, we began letting our children say the meal prayer. Of course at first they would ask for a pony, a new bike, etc. They soon learned the more important things which should be included in the prayer.

At Thanksgiving we had the whole family over. My nine year old wanted to say the prayer. It went like this:

"Heavenly Father, we thank Thee for the turkey, the rolls, the mashed potatoes, the red jiggly stuff, and the bread stuff even though I don't like it. We ask that You not let us choke on this food."

(Most of us nearly choked just trying not to laugh!)

I ate too much Turkey, I ate too much corn,
I ate too much pudding and pie.
I'm stuffed up with muffins and too much stuffing.
I'm probably going to die.

I piled up my plate and I ate and I ate.
But I wish I had known when to stop,
For I'm so crammed with yams, sauces, gravies, and jams
That my buttons are starting to pop!

I'm full of tomatoes and french fried potatoes
My stomach is swollen and sore,
But there's still some dessert so I guess it won't hurt if
I eat just a little bit more!

An industrious turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding a better turkey.

His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone.

After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get-together. 'Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has 6 legs!'

They all asked the farmer how it tasted.

'I don't know, 'said the farmer, 'I never could catch it!'

Part of my job as a public-health nurse is teaching new parents how to care for their infants.

As I was demonstrating how to wrap a newborn, a young Asian couple turned to me and said, "You mean we should wrap the baby like an egg roll?"

"Yes," I replied, "That is a good analogy."

"I don't know how to make egg rolls," another mother said anxiously. "Can I wrap my baby like a burrito?"

After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.

"That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.

"Thats still quite a bit," Tom groused.

Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.

Tom grew agitated, "What I mean," he said, "is I'd like to see something real cheap."

So the clerk handed him a mirror.

While we were working at a men's clothing store, a customer asked my coworker to help her pick out a tie that would make her husband's blue eyes stand out.

"Ma'am," he explained, "any tie will make blue eyes stand out if you tie it tight enough."

Returning from a trip to visit my grandmother in California, I was stopped by a state trooper in Kansas for exceeding the speed limit. Grateful to have received a warning instead of a ticket, I gave him a small bag of my grandmother's delicious chocolate-chip cookies and proceeded on my way.

Later, I was stopped by another trooper. "What have I done?" I asked.

"Nothing," the trooper said, smiling. "I heard you were passing out great chocolate-chip cookies."

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?' The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made."

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"

The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first time.
The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles.

All was quiet until the little girl started to sing in a loud voice, "Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you..."

I recently got out the boxes of Christmas decorations and I told the children (ages 10, 8 and 5) that they could start setting them out. They were very excited and each got to pick out favorite ornaments or figurines.

Maria, the youngest, wanted to set up the Nativity scene and happily set to her task. As she concentrated on carefully unwrapping Mary, Joseph and the Baby Jesus, I overhead Maria singing this:

"Angels We Have Heard Online".....

What do they call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses

What do you call Santa Clause after he's fallen into a fireplace?
Krisp Kringle

Which of Santa's reindeers needs to mind his manners the most?
"Rude"olph

What reindeer has the cleanest antlers?
Comet

What is the cow's holiday greeting?
Mooooory Christmas

What does Santa like to eat?
A jolly roll

Where do Santa's reindeers like to stop for lunch?
Deery Queen

What does Santa say when he is sick?
OH OH NO!

If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?
Missile toe

How does Santa Claus take pictures?
With his North Pole-aroid

What do you call the fear of getting stuck while sliding down a chimney?
Santa Claus-trophbia

What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
Sandy Claws

Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
Because it soots him

What can Santa give away and still keep?
A cold

Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?
He wanted to sleep like a log

Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
Because every buck is dear to him

What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer

How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
Fleece Navidad!

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite

What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It's Christmas, Eve

What did Tarzan sing at Christmas time?
Jungle Bells

Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.

What is the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has NO EL.

Before going on vacation, I went to a tanning salon. I was under the lights so long that the protective goggles I wore left a big white circle around each eye.

Gazing at myself in the mirror the next day, I thought, "Man, I look like a clown."

I had almost convinced myself that I was over-reacting until I got in line at the grocery store. I felt a tug at my shirt and looked down to see a toddler staring up at me.

He asked, "Are you giving out balloons?"

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, a man and his wife listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

The man leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"

An American visiting in England asked at the hotel for the elevator.

The porter looked a bit confused but smiled when he realized what the man wanted.

"You must mean the lift," he said.

"No," the American responded. "If I ask for the elevator I mean the elevator."

"Well," the porter answered, "over here we call them lifts".

"Now you listen", the American said rather irritated, "someone in America invented the elevator."

"Oh, right you are sir," the porter said in a polite tone, "but someone here in England invented the language".

An amateur photographer was invited to dinner with friends and took along a few pictures to show the hostess. She looked at the photos and commented "These are very good! You must have a good camera."

He didn't make any comment, but, as he was leaving to go home he said "That was a really delicious meal! You must have some very good pots."

Wear a hat when feeding seagulls.
Rocky, Age 9

Never trust a dog to watch your food.
Patrick, Age 10

Never try to baptize a cat.
Laura, Age 13

When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents.
Matthew,Age12

Never talk back to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching.
Andrew, Age 9

Never try to hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
Rosemary, Age 7

Don't flush the toilet when you're dad's in the shower.
Lamar, Age 10

Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars when your parents are doing taxes.
Carrol, Age 9

Never bug a pregnant mom.
Nicholas, Age 11

When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him.
Heather, Age 16

Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
Michael, Age 14

Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
Joel, Age12

When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone.
Alyesha, Age 13

Never do pranks at a police station.
Sam, Age 10

Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving.
Rob, Age 10

Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do.
Hank, Age 12

Stay away from prunes.
Randy, Age 9

Never dare your little brother to paint the family car.
Phillip, Age 13

Two men are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the 2 men, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc.

While this is going on the first man puts something into the second man's hand.

Without looking down, the second man whispers, "What is this?" 

The first man replies, "it's that $50 I owe you."

A woman, employed as a telemarketer, was making phone calls to different households.

A little boy answered and whispered, "Hello". The woman asked if his mother was there. The little boy whispered, "Yes". The woman asked if she could speak with her. The little boy whispered, "No, she's busy."

The woman asked if his father was there. The little boy whispered, "Yes". The woman asked if she could speak with him. The little boy whispered, "No, he's busy too." The woman asked if anyone else was there and the little boy whispered, "Yes, the fire department is here". The woman said, "May I speak with one of them?" The little boy whispered, "No, they're all busy."

The woman asked if anyone else was there, the little boy whispered, "Yes, the police department ". The woman said, "May I speak with one of them?" The little boy whispered, "No, they're all busy too." The woman said, "May I ask what they're all doing?" The little boy whispered, "They're all looking for me."

A man was sitting next to me in one of the two "husband chairs" in a ladies' clothing store.

After 30 minutes and five outfits, the fellow's wife came out of the changing room again.

He looked at her and immediately said: "That looks good on you. Get that one."

"Honey," she replied, "this is what I was wearing when we came in."

Strict is my diet. I must not want.
It makes me lie down at night hungry.
It leads me past the confectioners.
It tries my willpower.
It leads me in the paths of alteration
for my figure's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the aisles
of the pastry department, I will
buy no sweet rolls for they are
fattening.
The cakes and the pies, they tempt me.
Before me is a table set with green beans
and lettuce.
I fill my stomach with liquids,
My day's quota runs over.
Surely calorie and weight charts will
follow me all the days of my life,
And I will dwell in the fear of scales forever.

It's graduation day, and everybody's going to get their diploma but Jon. At the assembly, the entire senior class stands up and shouts "Let Jon graduate, let Jon graduate!"

The principal agrees to give Jon one last chance. "If I have five apples in my right hand and five in my left hand, Jon, how many apples do I have?" he asked.

Jon thought long and hard and then said: "Ten."

And the entire senior class stood up and shouted "Give Jon another chance. Give Jon another chance!"

"I have good news and bad news," a defense attorney told his client. "First, the bad news. The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene."

"Oh, no!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"

"Your cholesterol is down to 140."

A mother asked her small son what he would like for his birthday. "I'd like a little brother," the boy said.

"Oh my, that's such a big wish," said the mother. "Why do you want a little brother?"

"Well," said the boy, "there's only so much I can blame on the dog."

I was the substitute teacher for a second-grade math class that was learning about groups. In one exercise, pupils were asked to label a group of items according to their common characteristics. Pictured were onion rings, doughnuts, a Bundt cake, and ring cookies. The correct answer would have been that all the items have holes in the center.

But one health-conscious boy's response was, "All of those things contain too much cholesterol."

Not being able to check E-mail attachments without first seeing who's behind you.

The walls are too close together for the hammock to work right.

Prison cells are not only bigger, they have beds.

When you quit and walk out, there's no door to slam.

Being told to "think outside the box" when you're in a freakin' box all day long.

23 power cords - 1 outlet.

The carpet has been there since 1996 (or older) and shows more signs of life than your coworkers.

If you talk to yourself it causes all the surrounding cubicle inhabitants to pop their heads over the wall and say, "What? I didn't hear you."

You always have the feeling that someone is watching you, but by the time you turn to look they're gone.

The restaurant where I took my two sons for a meal was crowded with fans watching a sporting event on television. The harried waitress took our order, but more than half an hour passed with no sign of her return.

I was trying to keep my kids from becoming restless when suddenly shouts of victory came from the bar.

"Hey," commented my 11-year-old, "it sounds as if someone just got his food."

A husband took his young daughter to the grocery store with him. In addition to the healthful items on the carefully prepared shopping list, they returned with a box of sugar-laden cookies.

The man noticed the glare of his wife and said, "This box of cookies has one-third fewer calories than usual."

"Why is that?" the mother asked.

"We ate a third of the cookies on the way home," he replied

It was halfway through the school year and the principal was lecturing the teachers during a faculty meeting.

He presented a painful list of all their failures, flaws and shortcomings. The list of transgressions seemed endless.

Then he announced that the science club was sponsoring a blood drive, and that, to promote faculty involvement, he would donate the first pint of blood.

An anxious voice from the rear of the room asked, "Whose?"

A father stayed home one night to watch his son while his wife went to a PTA meeting. Later in the evening he settled down to watch TV.

But his son repeatedly kept coming in and asking for a glass of water.

After the fifth glass, the dad lost his patience and yelled, "I'm trying to watch the TV. Go to Bed."

"But Dad", the boy wined, "my room is still on fire!"

I was checking out at a busy supermarket and the cashier was having problems. The register ran out of paper, the scanner malfunctioned, and then the cashier spilled a handful of coins.

When she totaled my order, it came to exactly $22. Trying to soothe her nerves, I said, "That's a nice round figure."

Still frazzled, she glared at me and said, "You're no bean pole yourself!"

You could add/remove someone in your life using the control panel.

You could turn off the speakers when life gets too noisy.

You could click on “find” (Ctrl, F) to recover your lost remote control and car keys.

To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"!
You could put your kids in the recycle bin and restore them when you feel like it!

You could improve your appearance by adjusting the display settings.

If you mess up your life, you could always press "Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and start all over!

A little boy was roughhousing with his dog. His mother said to him, "Now, Peter, I know you love Granger, but you're loving him too much. How would you feel if someone huge picked you up and squeezed you so hard you couldn't breathe?"

The boy thought a moment and then said, "I guess I'd feel like it was my birthday and Aunt Doreen was here!"

A wife returning from a fishing trip with her husband was telling her troubles to a neighbor.

"I did everything all wrong again today," she said. "I talked too loud, I used the wrong bait, I reeled in too soon, and I caught more fish than he did."

A mother gave her teenage daughter a car for her sixteenth birthday. As she handed over the keys, she explained that it was a magic car.

The girl, of course, was very excited, and asked what it did.

"Well," said Mom, "Just get one ticket and you'll see how quickly it will disappear."

The boss always scheduled the weekly staff meeting for four thirty on Friday afternoons. When one of the employees finally got up the nerve to ask why, he explained.

"I will tell you why… I've learned that's the only time of the week when none of you seem to want to argue with me."

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.

"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.

"I had to slap his face three times!"

"You mean he got fresh?"

"No," she answered, "I thought he was dead."

The doorbell rang and the lady of the house discovered a workman, complete with tool chest, on the front porch.

"Madam," he announced, "I'm the piano tuner."

The lady exclaimed, "Why? I didn't send for a piano tuner."

The man replied, "I know you didn't, but your neighbors did."

Ready to retire?

Take this quiz to find out.

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree‘s bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What’s the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don’t retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answers: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question: What’s the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn’t miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

A woman is walking on the road and a voice shouts out, "Don't take a step further." She obeys and suddenly a ton of bricks fall on the place where she would have otherwise been.

She thinks she imagined it and keeps walking until suddenly the voice calls out again. "Don't take a step further." She stops and a car skids past.

Then suddenly she hears the voice saying "I am your guardian angel, and I will warn you before something bad happens to you. Now do you have any questions to ask me?"

"Yes!" shouts the woman. "Just where were you on my wedding day!"

At our Mother/Daughter banquet, the pastor's wife asked for the daughters to come forward to share what their mothers had taught them.

She choose my 14-year-old daughter first.

As I sat there reviewing all the wonderful things I had taught her, she said to the crowd, "My mom taught me to love my body now, because I'm going to hate it when I'm 40."

You automatically double-knot everything you tie.

You find yourself humming the Barney song as you do the dishes.

You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. However, your children are at school!

You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce.

You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to you.

You get soooo into crafts you contemplate writing a book called 101 Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells.

You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to have your teenager say, "Mom, why don't you wear the ones you pushed up on your head?"

You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize that you've reached over and started to cut up his steak!

A lady took her dog to the groomer at pet store for a haircut and asked what it would cost.

The receptionist looked at her from behind the counter and told her that a bath and haircut started at around fifty dollars, but there were many options, so the price could vary.

Holding on to her dog’s leash, the potential customer was visibly outraged.

"I only pay $25 for my own haircut!" said the woman indignantly.

The groomer replied, "That may be true, but then you don't bite, do you?"