Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him).

Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

An Atheist and a Christian were having a discussion.

The Atheist said to the Christian: "You Christians have holidays such as Christmas and Easter. It would only be fair we Atheist could have at least one holiday also."

The Christian thought a moment, then said: "you are right. Atheist should have a holiday also, how about April 1?"

When was younger I hated going to weddings... it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.'

They stopped that after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN ... SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.

SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.

MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS.

PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES, SEEKS FROG.

DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN.

IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.

DINNER IS READY WHEN THE SMOKE ALARM GOES OFF.

GUYS HAVE FEELINGS TOO. BUT LIKE...WHO CARES?

NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES.

WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.

OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.

DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.

YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT, SO PLEASE SHUT UP.

ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE.

HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?

SORRY IF I LOOKED INTERESTED. I'M NOT.

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"
He replied, "Call for backup."


A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman. Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new role.
"Well," he replied, "the pay is good and the hours aren't bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong."

A husband and wife was sitting at a table at their favorite restaurant for an evening meal.

While his wife was looking at the menu, a shapely young woman in a short, form-fitting dress strolled by. The husband's eyes followed her.

Without looking up from the menu, the wife asked, "Was it worth the trouble you're in?"

The mother of three notoriously unruly youngsters was asked whether or not she'd have children if she had it to do over again.

"Sure," she replied, "but not the same ones."

I was out walking with my then 3 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I asked her not to do that.

"Why?"

"Because it's been laying outside and is dirty and probably has germs."

At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"

"Uh," I was thinking quickly, everyone knows this stuff, "Um, it's on the mommy test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a mommy."

"Oh." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

I get it!" she beamed. "Then if you flunk, you have to be the daddy."

Little Susan was mother's helper. She helped set the table when company was due for dinner. Presently everything was on, the guests came in, and everyone sat down. Then Mother noticed something was missing.

"Susan," she said, "You didn't put a knife and fork at Mr. Smith's place."

"I thought he wouldn't need them," explained Susan. "Daddy says . . . he always eats like a horse!"

An atheist is fishing from a boat in the middle of the lake when all of a sudden the Loch Ness Monster rises from the depths.

After flinging the little boat in the air, the monster tilts its head back to receive its meal. Panicked, the atheist cries "Please Lord, help me!".

Immediately a voice answers from above, "I have no problem helping you; however, I thought you didn't believe in me."

"Well," the new believer replies, "I didn't believe in the loch ness monster until just now, either."

The mail carrier had a registered letter that needed a signature for a party on his route. Receiving no response to his knock on the front door, he went around to the back door which he found open, except for the screen door. He knocked. A high pitch voice from inside said, "Come in."

Upon entering the kitchen, he was confronted by the largest German shepard he had ever seen. The dog bared his fangs menacingly, forcing the mail man against the wall. The mail man shouted, "Lady, call off you dog before he eats me alive." The only response he got was that same high pitch voice coming from the next room saying, "Come in."

Pressing his body against the wall, he slowly worked his way to the door way leading to the next room. Looking around, he saw the room was empty, except for a parrot in a cage. After the threat from the huge dog, he was becoming quite irate and said to the parrot, "Darn you, don't you know any words besides 'come in' ?"

Without a moments hesitation the parrot responded, "Sic him!"

Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.

Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.

Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.

The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.

Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens.

First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else.

The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.

Quarterback Sneak - Church members quietly leaving during the invitation.

Draw Play - What many children do with the bulletin during worship.

Halftime - The period between Sunday School and worship when many choose to leave.

Benchwarmer - Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do anything but sit.

Backfield-in-Motion - Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service.

Staying in the Pocket - What happens to a lot of money that should be given to the Lord's work.

Two-minute Warning - The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings.

Instant Replay - The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week's illustrations.

Sudden Death - What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the preacher goes "overtime".

Trap - You're called on to pray and are asleep.

End Run - Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or fellow member.

Flex Defense - The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to affect your life.

Halfback Option - The decision of 50% of the congregation not to return for the evening service.

Blitz - The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

Money doesn't bring you happiness, but it enables you to look for it in more places.

Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.

When you see the handwriting on the wall, you can bet you're in a public restroom.

Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.

The world is full of willing people: some willing to work and some willing to let them.

Money isn't everything.... there's credit cards, money orders, and travelers checks.

A true friend is one that lets his grass grow as tall as his neighbor's.

A baby-sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

Committee:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Mosquito:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

Beauty Parlor:
A place where women curl up and dye.

Dust:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

Egotist:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

Gossip:
Never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

Secret:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

Toothache:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

Tomorrow:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

Yawn:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

Wrinkles:
Something other people have. You have character lines.

As a court clerk, I am well-versed in the jury-selection process. First a computer randomly selects a few hundred citizens from the entire county to report for jury duty on a particular day. Then another computer assigns 40 of those present to a courtroom. Then the 40 names are placed in a drum, and a dozen names are pulled.

During jury selection for one trial, the judge asked potential Juror No. 1 if there was any reason he could not be a fair and impartial juror.

"There may be," he replied. "Juror No. 12 is my ex-wife, and if we were on the same jury, I guarantee we would not be able to agree on anything."

Both were excused.

Whether a man winds up with the nest egg or a goose egg depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.

If a man has enough "horse sense" to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never be an old nag.

Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar.

Too many couples marry for better or for worse, but not for good.

When a man marries a woman, they become one, but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

On anniversaries the wise husband always forgets the past . . . but never the present.

The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when the interest is kept up.

Many girls like to marry a military man--he can cook, sew, make bed, and is in good health...and he's already used to taking orders.

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.

Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in case of an emergency.' I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that it is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it'.

I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it "Pumping Rust."

I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me; they were cramming for their finals.

The new army recruit was given guard duty at 2 a.m. He did his best for a while, but at about 4 a.m. he went to sleep. He awakened to find the officer of the day standing before him.

Remembering the heavy penalty for being asleep on guard duty, this smart young man kept his head bowed for another moment and looked upward and reverently said, "A-a-a-men!"

A ninety-five year old woman at the nursing home received a visit from one of her fellow church members.

"How are you feeling?" the visitor asked.
"Oh," said the lady, "I'm just worried sick!"

"What are you worried about, dear?" her friend asked. "You look like you're in good health. They are taking care of you, aren't they?"

"Yes, they are taking very good care of me."

"Are you in any pain?" she asked.

"No, I have never had a pain in my life."

"Well, what are you worried about?" her friend asked again.

The lady leaned back in her rocking chair and slowly explained her major worry - "Every close friend I ever had has already died and gone on to heaven. I'm afraid they're all wondering where I went."

After starting a new diet, I altered my drive to town to avoid passing my favorite bakery.

I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window was a host of my favorite goodies.

I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, "Lord, it's up to you... if you want me to have any of those delicious goodies, create a parking place for me directly in front of the bakery."

And sure enough, He answered my prayer.

On the eighth time around the block, there it was!

People want the front of the bus; back of the church and center of attention.

If absence makes the heart grow fonder, a lot of folks must love our church!

Overheard: We serve coffee after church to get people awake before they drive home.

The professor of a graduate-school class on gifted children included a huge amount of material on the midterm exam.

As tension in the room built, people were sighing and gasping aloud.

The following week the professor tossed the graded papers on her desk and announced, "Class, after I left here last week, the Lord spoke to me. He said, "Thanks, professor. I haven't heard from some of those people in years.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere else again.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

Great Dames for sale.

Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

"Some marriages are made in heaven, but so are thunder and lightning storms."

"Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke."

"Many husbands go broke on the money their wives save on sales."

"Marriage is a lot like the army, everyone complains, but you'd be surprised at the number that re-enlist." - James Garner

"Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards." - Benjamin Franklin

"Don't assume that every sad-eyed woman has loved and lost - she may have got him."

"A man usually falls in love with a woman who asks the kinds of questions he can answer." - Ronald Colman

"Before marriage the three little words are 'I love you', after marriage they are, 'let's eat out'."

"By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philospher." - Socrates

"A diplomatic husband said to his wife, 'How do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?' "

"It takes a smart spouse to have the last word and not use it."

"The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he'll be late for supper and she's already left a note that it's in the refrigerator." - Bill Lawrence

"The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because she knows that the average man can see much better than he can think." - Ladies Home Journal

"A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband." - Michel de Montaingne

"Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse." - Arthur Baer

"Marriage is a great institution - but I'm not ready for an institution yet." - Mae West

"When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her." - Sacha Guitry

"You have only to mumble a few words in church to get married and a few words in your sleep to get divorced."

"If there is any realistic deterrent to marriage, it's the fact that you can't afford divorce." - Jack Nicholson

"The person who marries for money usually earns every penny of it."

"The most difficult years of marriage are those following the wedding."

"A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be thankful for a good one." - Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings

"Marriage is like twirling a baton, handsprings, or eating with chopsticks. It looks easy till you try it."

"If men acted after marriage as they do during courtship, there would be fewer divorces - and more bankruptcies." - Frances Rodman

"There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage."

"In Hollywood all marriages are happy. It's trying to live together afterwards that causes the problems." - Shelley Winters

"No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a higher opinion of him than he deserves." - Edgar Watson Howe

"The only real argument for marriage is that it remains the best method for getting acquainted." - Heywood Broun

Kitchen closed -- this chick has had it!

If you don't like my standards of cooking... lower your standards.

I'm creative -- don't expect me to be neat too!

So this isn't Home Sweet Home... Adjust!

Ring Bell for Maid Service... If no answer do it yourself!

I clean house every other day.... Today is the other day!

If you write in the dust, please don't date it!

I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!

My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!

A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life.

COOK CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!

I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.

You may touch the dust in this house... but please don't write in it!

Apology: Although you'll find our house a mess... Come in, sit down, converse. It doesn't always look like this -- Some days it's even worse.

A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.

If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.

Help keep the kitchen clean -- eat out.

Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.

My next house will have no kitchen -- just vending machines.

Gardening forever . . . Housework, never!

Dull women have immaculate houses.

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).

When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?

If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.

The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians...the quick and the dead.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.

Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.

Failure is not getting knocked down . . . . . Its not getting back up!

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it takes.

Stupidity got us into this mess-why can't it get us out?

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.

I am having an out of money experience.

Not afraid of heights-afraid of widths.

COMPETITIVE SALARY
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM
We have no time to train you.

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

DUTIES WILL VARY
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL
We have no quality control.

CAREER-MINDED
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.

Home is where you can say anything you like, 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.

I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here.

Sign In Pet Store: "Buy one dog, regular price, get one flea..."

I don't have a big ego. I'm way too cool for that.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?

Regular naps prevent old age.....especially if you take them while driving.

When I was born, I was so surprised I couldn't talk for a year and a half.

If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.

I have learned there is little difference in husbands, so you might as well keep the first one.

Travel is very educational. I can now say "Kaopectate" in seven different languages.

Nature abhors a vacuum. And so do I. - Anne Gibbons

At my house, "Dust" is a noun, not a verb. - Anonymous

A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken. - James Dent

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. - Phyllis Diller

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? - Phyllis Diller

I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn. - C.E. Cowman

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard. - Phyllis Diller

I make no secret of the fact that I would rather lie on a sofa than sweep beneath it. But you have to be efficient if you're going to be lazy. - Shirley Conran

I will clean house when Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner. - Roseanne Barr

I write down everything I want to remember. That way, instead of spending a lot of time trying to remember what it is I wrote down, I spend the time looking for the paper I wrote it down on. - Anonymous

My husband and I have figured out a really good system about the housework: neither one of us does it. - Dottie Archibald

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. - Anonymous

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. - Erma Bombeck

My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you? - Erma Bombeck

One only needs two tools in life: WD-40 to make things go, and duck tape to make them stop. G.M. Weilacher

The obvious and fair solution to the housework problem is to let men do the housework for, say, the next six thousand years, to even things up. The trouble is that men, over the years, have developed an inflated notion of the importance of everything they do, so that before long they would turn housework into just as much of a charade as business is now. They would hire secretaries and buy computers and fly off to housework conferences in Bermuda, but they'd never clean anything. - Dave Barry

This is a honeydew day. That is when you get a day off and the wife says, "Honey, do this," and "Honey, do that" around the house. - Jim Lemon

Three-fourths of the Earth's surface is water, and one-fourth is land. It is quite clear that the good Lord intended us to spend triple the amount of time fishing as taking care of the lawn. - Chuck Clark

Once over the hill, you pick up speed.

Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

Law of Biomechanics: The severity of any itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Theater Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Warm Water Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

A friend and his wife were considering traveling to Alaska for a trip that the husband had long dreamed of taking. He kept talking about how great it would be to stay in a log cabin without electricity, to hunt moose, and drive a dog team instead of a car.

"If we decided to live there permanently, away from civilization, what would you miss the most?" he asked his wife.

She replied, "You."

It was graduation day and mom was trying to take a picture of their son in a cap and gown, posed with his father.

"Let's try to make this look natural," she said. "Son, put your arm around your dad's shoulder."

The father answered, "If you want it to look natural, why not have him put his hand on my wallet?"

A man was walking along the beach one day and ran across a lamp. He picked it up a rubbed it and a genie popped out.

The genie told him he would grant the man three wishes.

"First," the man said, "I'd like a million dollars."

POOF! A million dollars was suddenly showing on his checkbook balance.

"Second," he continued, "I'd like a new Mercedes."

POOF! A Mercedes appeared right in front of him.

"Third," the man smirked, "I'd like to be irresistible to women."

POOF! He turned into a box of chocolates.

"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.

"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."

"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"

"He was the original owner."

One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.

The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple of times.

Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength ..and the tools to cross this river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.

The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools...and the intelligence... to cross this river." And poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.

Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's office.

"What is the meaning of this?" the director asked. "When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held."

"Well," the young man replied, "in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination."

A woman was getting swamped with calls from strangers. The reason? A billing service had launched an 800 number that was identical to hers. When she called to complain, she was told to get a new number.

"I've had mine for twenty years," she pleaded. "Couldn't you change yours?"

The company refused, so she said, "Fine. From now on, I'm going to tell everyone who calls that their bill is paid in full."

The company got a new number the next day.

The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jimmy interrupted.

"My Mommy looked back once while she was DRIVING," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"

One night, a lady stumbled into the police station with a black eye. She claimed she heard a noise in her back yard and went to investigate.

The next thing she knew, she was hit in the eye and knocked out cold.

An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned 1-1/2 hours later with a black eye.

"Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked.

"No," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."

A couple is taking a stroll in a lovely meadow when they come upon a wishing well.

The woman leans over, makes a wish, and throws in a quarter.

Her husband decides he wants to make a wish, also.

Unfortunately, he leans over too far, falls down into the well.

The woman stands there shaken for a moment, and then exclaims, "Wow, it WORKS!"

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in.

The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."

The next class the professor handed the tests back out.

The student got back his test score and $64 change.

Little Johnny visited a neighbor's house.

"Can I see your trap?"

"What trap? I don't know what you mean," said the neighbor.

Little Johnny replied, "The one my Dad says you can't keep shut."

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year old daughter to answer the phone.

"It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother.

Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone right now. She's hitting the bottle."

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows a little. When you get to me, and the part where I'm to promise to, 'Love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others be faithful to her forever', I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes." The groom then leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal?"

The pastor handed back the $100 bill and whispered...

"She made me a much better offer."

At a church meeting a very wealthy man rose to tell the rest of those present about his Christian faith.

"I'm a millionaire," he said, "and I attribute it all to the rich blessings of God in my life. I remember that turning point in my faith. I had just earned my first dollar and I went to a church meeting that night. The speaker was a missionary who told about his work. I knew that I only had a dollar bill and had to either give it all to God's work or nothing at all. So at that moment I decided to give my whole dollar to God. I believe that God blessed that decision, and that is why I am a rich man today."

He finished and there was an awed silence at his testimony as he moved toward his seat. As he sat down a little old lady sitting in the same pew leaned over and said to him: "I dare you to do it again."

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a local mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two "shiny silver walls" that enclosed a small room, and would repeatedly move apart and back together again.

The boy, totally amazed by this, asked his father, "What is this father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I do not know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady limping slightly with a cane slowly walked up to the moving walls and pressed one of the buttons. The walls opened and the lady walked between them and into the small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched, small circles of light with numbers above the wall light up. They continued to watch as the circles lit up in reverse order. The walls then opened up again and a beautiful young woman stepped out.

The father immediately turned to his son and said: "Quick, go get your Mother."

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.)

A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 LBS.

My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?

He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost, But Is Miles From The Next Exit

Honk If Anything Falls Off

Where There's A Will... I Want To Be In It!

If You Can Read This, I Can Slam On My Brakes And Sue You

Forget World Peace -- Visualize Turning Off Your Turn Signal!

Hang Up And Drive!

Ever Stop To Think, And Forget To Start Again?

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me

If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

This Bumper Sticker Exploits Illiterates

Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway

He Who Laughs Last Thinks Slowest

I Haven't Lost My Mind -- It's Backed-Up On Disk Somewhere

Film projectors always work before the class meeting begins.

The probability of the preacher tripping over the mike cord is greater on "Bring A Friend" Sunday than any other week.

The largest Bible Class will show up when the teacher feels his/her worst.

No matter how many bulletins you print, you'll always need one more.

A member living 15 miles away will be 15 minutes early; Members living two blocks will be 15 minutes late.

Saying "Let us Pray" or singing "Just as I Am" causes babies to cry.

The shorter the agenda, the longer the business meeting.

Business meetings ALWAYS last at least 15 minutes longer than they should. (So do some sermons)

Church committees should be made up of three members, two of whom should be absent at every meeting. (William Spurgeon)

When you answer the Bible teacher's question right, nobody remembers; when you are wrong, nobody forgets.

The longest Scripture readings always come with the longest sermons.

The furnace only fails when the outside temperature is more than 20 degrees below zero. The air conditioner only fails when the outside temperature is 90 degrees or above.

When the preacher misspeaks in a sermon, at least half of those taking notes will write the remark down as an important thought from the sermon.

Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases When you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Bath Theorem
When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Bio-mechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to The reach.

Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose Will begin to itch.

Law of the Workshop
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of the Telephone
When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy Signal.

Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you Had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat Tire.

Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were In will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time)

Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't Work, it will.

Theatre Rule
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from The aisle arrive last

Law of Coffee
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your Boss will ask you to do something which will last until The coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they Will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing Face down on a floor covering are directly correlated To the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Your Clothes:
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.

The Layette:
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when his/her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Pacifier:
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

Diapering:
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

Activities:
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

Swallowing Coins:
1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!!

Those who say they "sleep like a baby" haven't got one.

It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.

It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they'll know as little as their parents.

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Insanity is inherited -- you get it from your kids.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

One child is often not enough, but two children can be far too many.

You can learn many things from children... like how much patience you have.

Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid.

The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.

There are three ways to get things done:
do it yourself
hire someone to do it
forbid your kids to do it

There would be fewer problems with children if they had to chop wood to keep the television set going.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else is starting to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory. I forget the other two.

You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

Middle age is when work is a lot less fun -- and fun is a lot more work.

Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Now isn't that a great time for a guy to get those kind of odds?

You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.

Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.

A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.

You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.

You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.

You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before!

The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.

Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.

Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.

When you lean over to pick something up off the floor, you ask yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there.

You find yourself in the middle of the stairway, and you can't remember if you were downstairs going up or upstairs going down.

Should you be fortunate enough to remember which direction you were going on the stairs, chances are good you won't remember why you were going up if you get to the top or going down if you get to the bottom.

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Highway 401. Please be careful!"

"Darn," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

A boy was sitting on a park bench with one hand resting on an open Bible. He was loudly exclaiming his praise to God. "Hallelujah! Hallelujah! God is great!" he yelled without worrying whether anyone heard him or not.

Shortly after, along came a man who had recently completed some studies at a local university. Feeling himself very enlightened in the ways of truth and very eager to show this enlightenment, he asked the boy about the source of his joy.

"Hey" asked the boy in return with a bright laugh, "Don't you have any idea what God is able to do? I just read that God opened up the waves of the Red Sea and led the whole nation of Israel right through the middle."

The enlightened man laughed lightly, sat down next to the boy and began to try to open his eyes to the "realities" of the miracles of the Bible. "That can all be very easily explained. Modern scholarship has shown that the Red Sea in that area was only 10-inches deep at that time. It was no problem for the Israelites to wade across."

The boy was stumped. His eyes wandered from the man back to the Bible laying open in his lap. The man, content that he had enlightened a poor, naive young person to the finer points of scientific insight, turned to go. Scarcely had he taken two steps when the boy began to rejoice and praise louder than before. The man turned to ask the reason for this resumed jubilation.

"Wow!" exclaimed the boy happily, "God is greater than I thought! Not only did He lead the whole nation of Israel through the Red Sea, He topped it off by drowning the whole Egyptian army in 10 inches of water!"

A businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody it was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went to a pastor and poured out his story of tears and woe.

When he had finished, the pastor said, "Here's what I want you to do, put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do."

A year later the businessman went back to the pastor and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom- tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket and gave it to the pastor as a donation in thanks for his advice.

The pastor recognized the benefactor, and was curious. "You did as I suggested?" he asked.

"Absolutely," replied the businessman.

"You went to the beach?"

"Absolutely."

"You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?"

"Absolutely."

"You let the pages rifle until they stopped?"

"Absolutely."

"And what were the first words you saw?"

"Chapter 11."

One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared. "I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.

The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job -- a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do."

"Poof!" said the genie. "You're a housewife."