A mother and a daughter are shopping in the mall, when the mother eyes an expensive fur coat. "This year," she says, "I think that I will buy my present instead of making you and dad shop for me." The daughter nods in agreement. "And I think this fur coat would be perfect too."

The daughter protests, "But mom, some helpless, poor creature has to suffer so that you can have this."

"Don't worry honey," says the mother, "your father won't get the bill for a couple of weeks."

Whether a man winds up with the nest egg or a goose egg depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.

Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar.

Too many couples marry for better or for worse, but not for good.

When a man marries a woman, they become one, but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

If a man has enough "horse sense" to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never be an old nag.

On anniversaries the wise husband always forgets the past . . . but never the present.

The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when the interest is kept up.

Many girls like to marry a military man--he can cook, sew, make bed, and is in good health...and he's already used to taking orders.

Squirrels had overrun three churches in town. After much prayer, the elders of the first church determined that the animals were predestined to be there. Who were they to interfere with God's will?

The elders of the second church, deciding they could not harm any of God's creatures, humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

Only the third church succeeded in keeping away the pests. The elders baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they see them only on Christmas and Easter.

A man was telling his friend about his upstairs neighbors. "They started to jump up and down on the floor at five o'clock in the morning!"

His friend asked, "well, didn't that disturb you? Didn't you complain?

"No - it didn't disturb me. I was practicing my trumpet."

"Competitive Salary"
We remain competitive by paying you less than our competition.

"Join our fast-paced company"
We have no time to train you.

"Casual work atmosphere"
We don't pay enough to expect that you will dress up; a couple of the
real daring guys wear earrings.

"Some overtime required"
Some every night and some every weekend.

"Duties will vary"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"Must have an eye for detail"
We have no quality assurance.

"Career-minded"
Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

"Apply in person"
If you're old or ugly you'll be told that the position has been filled.

"Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience"
You'll need it to replace the three people who just quit.

"Problem-solving skills a must"
You're walking into perpetual chaos.

"Requires team leadership skills"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"Good communication skills"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions?
Sam

Dear Sam,
Yes. Run for public office.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Today the pastor will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth into Joy!"

The choir will meet at the Larsen house for fun and sinning.

Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.

Easter Sunday, we will have a 9:30 worship service. The 11:00 will be hell as usual.

Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

Tonight's sermon -- "What is hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Ushers will eat latecomers.

For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.

During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

I was trying to get my seventh-grade history class to understand how the Indians must have felt when they first encountered the Spanish explorers.

"How would you feel," I asked, "if someone showed up on your doorstep who looked very different, spoke a strange language and wore unusual clothes? Wouldn't you be a bit scared?"

"Nah," one boy answered, "I'd just figure it was my sister's date."

As he was standing in line at the grocery store checkout counter, a friend of John's noticed he was purchasing a dozen roses and a card.

"You in trouble with Jill?" the friend asked John.

"Nope!" was John's reply. "Preventive maintenance."

A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.

She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like "chalk" or "pencil," she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral.

Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?" The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They're supposed to help solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize if you'd waited a little longer, you might have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with others is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world IS weird and people take Prozac to make it seem normal.

After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.

I don't approve of political jokes...
I've seen too many of them get elected.

I have learned there is little difference in husbands, you might as well keep the first.

Women should not have children after 35. Really ... 35 children are enough

I just got back from a pleasure trip -
I drove my wife to the airport!

My wife and I were happy for twenty years ... then we met.

I married my wife for her looks...
but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign:
"CHECKOUT TIME IS 18"

I earn a seven-figure salary.
Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.

According to a recent survey, men say that the first thing they notice about a woman are their eyes. And women say that the first thing they notice about men is that they're a bunch of liars.

Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.

Travel is very educational. I can now say "Kaopectate" in seven different languages. 

A little girl and a little boy were at day care. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, wanna play house?"

He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"

The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your thoughts."

"Communicate my thoughts?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what that means."

The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."

Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.

Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick."

The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem-Feeling Free", was translated into the Japanese market as "When smoking Salem, you will feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."

Some friends from England visited us a few years back. Their teenage daughter got a huge laugh from the name of an airline back then: The Trump Shuttle (Donald Trump's airline). They said in England, "Trump" translated into "fart!"

Microsoft's Windows '95 ad slogan, translated into Japanese: "If you don't know where you want to go, we'll make sure you get taken."

Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."

"The Internal Revenue Code is]about 10 times the size of the Bible - and unlike the Bible, contains no good news." --Sen. Don Nickles

In 1987, Congress required that the Social Security numbers of all dependents age five and older be included on the tax return. In that tax year, over 7 million dependents disappeared from tax returns all over the country. Must have been the largest case of mass alien abduction in the history of the world.

One taxpayer, who worked at a pest control firm listed his occupation as "Hired Killer."

"When my mother makes out her income tax return every year, under Occupation she writes in, 'Eroding my daughter's self- esteem.'" --Robin Roberts

I was once given the following advice by a secretary: "It's better to remain silent and be thought stupid than to open your mouth and forever remove all doubt."

Says one humorist: "Life is unfair. I lost my car keys at a ball game and never found them. I lost my sunglasses at the beach and never found them. I lost my socks in the washing machine and never found them. I lost three pounds on a diet -- I found them and five more."

Lady Astor once said to Winston Churchill at a party, "Sir, if you were my husband, I would put poison in your tea." To which Churchill retorted, "And Madame, if you were my wife, I would drink it!"

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Include Your Children when Baking Cookies

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge 

Place-mats. They only show up when there's food on the table.

Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Government bonds. They take so long to mature.

Copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
A. Ruthless.

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation

Q. What was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Who is the greatest baby sitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

During the course of being interviewed by the press, the noted famous doctor was asked by a reporter:

"Tell me, Doctor, did you ever make any really serious mistakes in your career?"

"Yes, I did," came the doctor's reply with a heavy sigh, 

"I once cured a millionaire in one visit."

(Warning to all guys: This one does not make us look good...:) )

10. God worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.

9. God knew that Adam would one day require someone to locate and hand him the TV remote.

8. God knew that Adam would never go out and get himself a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.

7. God knew that Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist or haircut appointment for himself.

6. God knew that Adam would never be able to remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.

5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.

4. As Keeper of the Garden Adam would never remember where he left his tools.

3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!

And finally, the number ONE reason that God created Eve...

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, "I can do better than that."

After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
She replied, "Yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

The bride, upon getting engaged, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!"
Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

Young Son: Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
A second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done for free.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.

Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

Actual writings from hospital charts:
1. The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Your bedroom isn't cluttered; it's "passage-restrictive."

Kids don't get in trouble anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps."

You're not having a bad hair day; you're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome."

No one's tall anymore. They're "vertically enhanced."

You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."

You don't talk a lot. You're just "abundantly verbal."

It's not called gossip anymore. It's "transmission of near-factual information."

The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively challenged"

Your homework isn't missing; it's just having an "out-of-notebook experience."

You're not sleeping in class; you're "rationing consciousness."

You don't have smelly gym socks; you have "odor-retentive athletic footwear"

You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations."

You're not being sent to the principal's office. You're "going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and try not to understand her at all.

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.

Stopping to pick up my daughter at kindergarten, I found out that the topic of "Show and Tell" that day had been parents' occupations.

The teacher pulled me aside. Whispering, she advised, "You might want to explain a little bit more to your daughter what you do for a living."

I work as a training consultant and often conduct my seminars in motel conference rooms.

When I asked why, the teacher explained, "Your daughter told the class she wasn't sure what you did, but said you got dressed real pretty and went to work at motels."

A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mother's name?" One child answered, "Mary." The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?" A little kid said, "Verge." Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?" The kid said, "Well, you know they are always talking about Verge n' Mary.''


A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, ! if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."


A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."


I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail.


A Sunday school teacher asked her children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."


Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."


A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

A chef?
(You get buttered up.)

A chauffeur?
(You get taken for a ride.)

A gambler?
(He cheats on you.)

A telephone operator?
(He gives you a phone-y line.)

A trashman?
(He dumps you.)

A clockmaker?
(He two-times you.)

A pastry cook?
(He desserts you.)

A shoe salesman?
(He walks all over you.)

An elevator operator?
(He lets you down.)

An artist?
(He gives you the brush.)

A jogger?
(He gives you the run-around.)  

"Don't let your worries get the best of you. Remember, Moses started out as a basket case"

Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited - until you try to sit in their pews.

Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisors

It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.

The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes and sand gnats come close!

When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.

People are funny, they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.

Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.

Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.

If the church wants a better preacher, it only needs to pray for the one it has.

God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?

Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set

I don't know why some people change churches; what difference does it make which one you stay home from?

A lot of church members who are singing "Standing on the Promises" are just sitting on the premises.

We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.

Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He'll clean them.

Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.

Don't put a question mark where God put a period.

Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.

Forbidden fruits create many jams.

God grades on the cross, not the curve.

God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts!"

God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.

He who angers you, controls you!

If God is your Copilot - swap seats!

Prayer: Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!

The best mathematical equation I have ever seen: 1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.

A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called the plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, repaired the pipe, and handed the doctor a bill for six hundred dollars.

The doctor exclaimed,

'This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!'

The plumber quietly replied . . . .

'Neither did I when I was a doctor.'

A journey of a two hundred miles starts with an argument over how to load the car.

The first Ten Commandments are the hardest.

People who are wrapped up in themselves are overdressed.

An expert is someone called in at the last minute to share the blame.

Justice is blind and in some cases . . . deaf and dumb.

To belittle is to be little.

When fear knocks at the door, and you answer, there will be no one there.

Poverty is a condition with but one advantage, it doesn't take much to improve your lot.

The first rule of tinkering is to save all the parts.

I'm retiring in Mexico. Sunny, affordable and no predatory reverse mortgages.

A pessimist is a man who looks both way before crossing a one-way street.

Once you pass 40, your "Big break" will probably be a bone.

Politics isn't about hunger or taxes or equality . . . it's about politics.

Management's job is to keep 'em too busy to look for other jobs.

Heredity is what sets the parents of a teenager wondering about each other.

Why are lawyers not sworn to tell the truth like all the witnesses in a jury trial?

If God wanted us to be thin, food wouldn't taste so good.

Golf is a lot like taxes. You drive hard to get to the green and end up in the hole.

The law is a rule to the fool, but a guide to the wise.

Smile! It increases your face value.

Never fear shadows... they simply mean there's a light shining somewhere nearby.

I'm so hungry, I could almost eat health food.

Positive anything is better than negative nothing.

A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in.

These days you can either lead or be misled.

Middle age is when you are warned to slow down by a doctor instead of a policeman.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

It's just as much work to be normal as it is to be ourselves.

Martin had just received his brand new driver's license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.

"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father.

"Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."

After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.

I married my wife for her looks . . . but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

"No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning."

Women should not have children after 35.
Really...35 children are enough

I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: "CHECKOUT TIME IS 18"

"If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?"

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining
about being broke and not feeling well?

I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents . . . at bowling alleys.

The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.

I just got back from a pleasure trip - I drove my wife to the airport!

My wife and I were happy for twenty years . . . then we met.

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."

What it really means . . .

Is it time for performance reviews at your work? Here are some performance review terms and their meaning . . .

Outgoing Personality...................Always going out of the office

Good Communication Skills..............Spends lots of time on phone

Average Employee.......................Not too bright

Exceptionally Well Qualified...........Made no major blunders... yet

Work is First Priority.................Too ugly to get a date

Active Socially........................Drinks a lot

Family is Active Socially.............Spouse drinks, too

Independent Worker....................Nobody knows what he/she does

Quick Thinking........................Offers plausible excuses

Careful Thinker.......................Won't make a decision

Aggressive............................Obnoxious

Uses Logic on Difficult Jobs..........Gets someone else to do it

Expresses Themselves Well.............Speaks English

Meticulous Attention to Detail........A nit picker

Has Leadership Qualities..............Is tall or has a loud voice

Exceptionally Good Judgment...........Lucky

Career Minded.........................Back Stabber

Loyal.................................Can't get a job anywhere else

Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer while a telephone repairman worked nearby. "Kneeling is definitely best," claimed one.

"No," another contended. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."

"You're both wrong," the third insisted. "The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor."

The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas, " he interrupted, "the best prayin' I ever did was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."

An atheist is fishing from a boat in the middle of the lake when all of a sudden the Loch Ness Monster rises from the depths.

After flinging the little boat in the air, the monster tilts its head back to receive its meal. Panicked, the atheist cries "Please Lord, help me!".

Immediately a voice answers from above, "I have no problem helping you; however, I thought you didn't believe in me."

"Well," the new believer replies, "I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster until just now, either."

One day, Joe, Bob and Dave were hiking in a wilderness area when they came upon a large, raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.

Joe prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river."

Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, although he almost drowned a couple of times.

Seeing this, Dave prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools to cross this river."

Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.

Bob had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools, and the intelligence, to cross this river."

Poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.

A nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it there was a station just down the street. She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.

The attendant regretfully told her that the only can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.

Since the nun was on the way to see a patient she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car two men walked by. One of them turned to the other and said: "Now that is what I call faith!"

A teenager was sitting in church, and when the collection plate was passed around, he quickly pulled a dollar bill from his pocket and dropped it in.

Just then, the person behind him tapped him on his shoulder and handed him a $20 bill.

The boy smiled, placed the $20 in the plate and passed it on, admiring that the man was being generous.

Then the boy felt another tap from behind and heard a whisper: "Son," the man said, "that was your $20 bill that had fallen out of your pocket."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several
strands of gray hair sticking out in contrast with her brunette hair.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs gray, Momma?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns gray."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are gray?"

A woman invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six- year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" I wouldn't know what to say," the little girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the mother said. The little girl bowed her head and said, "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"


A daddy was listening to his child say his prayer "Dear Harold". At this, dad interrupted and said, "Wait a minute, "How come you called God, "Harold"? The little boy looked up and said, "That's what they call Him in church. You know the prayer we say, "Our Father, who art in Heaven, Harold be Thy name."


A little boy's prayer. "Dear God, please take care of my daddy and my mommy and my sister and my brother and my doggy and me. Oh, please take care of yourself, God. If anything happens to you, we're gonna be in a big mess."


A minister said to a precocious six-year-old boy: "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? Very commendable. What does she say?" The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"


Johnny had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a while he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and then said a prayer. "Fine," said the pleased mother. "If you ask God to help you not misbehave, He will help you." "Oh, I didn't ask Him to help me not misbehave," said Johnny. "I asked Him to help you put up with me."


A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if You can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am.

404 - Someone who is clueless. From the Web error message, "404 Not Found," which means the document requested couldn't be located. "Don't bother asking John. He's 404."

Adminisphere - The rarified organizational layers above the rank and file that makes decisions that are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant.

Alpha Geek - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "I dunno, ask Rick. He's our alpha geek."

Batmobiling - putting up emotional shields. Refers to the retracting armor that covers the Batmobile as in "she started talking marriage and he started batmobiling"

Beepilepsy - The brief siezure people sometimes suffer when their beepers go off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid-sentence.

Betamaxed - When a technology is overtaken in the market by inferior but better marketed competition as in "Microsoft betamaxed Apple right out of the market"

Blamestorming - A group discussion of why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

Body Nazis - Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.

Bookmark - To take note of a person for future reference. "After seeing his cool demo at Siggraph, I bookmarked him."

CGI Joe - A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills and charisma of a plastic action figure.

Chainsaw Consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

Chip Jewelry - Old computers destined to be scrapped or turned into decoration. "I paid three grand for that Mac and now it's nothing but chip jewelry."

Chips and Salsa - Chips = hardware, salsa = software. "First we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa."

CLM (Career Limiting Move)- Used by microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity. "Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM."

Cobweb - A WWW site that never changes.

Cube Farm - An office filled with cubicles.

Dead Tree Edition - The paper version of a publication available in both paper and electronic forms.

Dilberted - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss, as is Dilbert, the comic strip character. "Man, I've been dilberted again! The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."

Egosurfing - Scanning the Net, databases, etc., for one's own name.

Elvis Year - The peak year of popularity as in "1993 was Barney the dinosaur's Elvis year"

Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.

Glazing - Corporate-speak for sleeping with your eyes open; a popular pastime at conferences and early-morning meetings. "Didn't he notice that by the second session half the room was glazing?"

GOOD job - A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

Gray Matter - Older, experienced business people hired by young entrepreneurial firms trying to appear more professional and established.

Graybar Land - The place you go while you're staring at a computer that's processing something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar creep across the screen). "That CAD rendering put me in graybar land for like an hour."

High Dome - Egghead, scientist, PhD

Idea Hamsters - People whose idea generators are always running.

Irritainment - Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.

Keyboard Plaque - The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on some people's computer keyboards.

Link Rot - The process by which web page's links become obsolete as the sites they're connected to change or die.

Meatspace - The physical world (as opposed to the virtual) also "carbon community" "facetime" "F2F" "RL"

Mouse Potato - The online generation's answer to the couch potato.

Ohnosecond - That minuscule fraction of time during which you realize you've just made a terrible error.

Open-Collar Workers - People who work at home or telecommute.

Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the dickens out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

Perot - To quit unexpectedly. "My cellular phone just perot'ed."

Plug-and-Play - A new hire who doesn't require training. "That new guy is totally plug-and-play."

Prairie Dogging - When something loud happens in a cube farm, causing heads to pop up over the walls trying to see what's going on.

Salmon Day - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get caught in the end.

Seagull Manager - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, dumps on everything and then leaves.

Siliwood - The coming convergence of movies, interactive TV and computers; also "Hollywired"

Stress Puppy - A person who thrives on being stressed-out and whiny.

Swiped Out - An ATM or credit card that has been used so much its magnetic strip is worn away.

Tourists - Those who take training classes just to take a vacation from their jobs. "There were only three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."

Under Mouse Arrest - Getting busted for violating an online service's rule of conduct. "Sorry I couldn't get back to you. AOL put me under mouse arrest."

Uninstalled - Euphemism for being fired. Also: decruitment.

Vulcan Nerve Pinch - The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.

WOOFYS - Well Off Older Folks.

World Wide Wait - The real meaning of www.

Xerox Subsidy - Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!

As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.

"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane.

Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately.

Good morning. As we leave Dallas, it's warm, the sun is shining, and the birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte, where it's dark, windy and raining. Why in the world y'all wanna go there I really don't know."

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head steward announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft.

"Here are a few heard from Northwest: "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children.

"And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight. "

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.

"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE...
I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO...
I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!"

A Washington Post columnist runs a column each summer listing interesting t-shirts observed at the Ocean City, Maryland beach:

"I childproofed my house, but they still get in."

"Live your life so that when you die, the preacher will not have to tell lies at your funeral."

"On the front - 60 is not old. On the back - If you're a tree."

"I'm still hot. It just comes in flashes."

"My reality check just bounced."

"I'm not 50. I'm $49.95 plus tax."

"Buckle up. It makes it harder for the aliens to snatch you from your car."

"I'm not a snob. I'm just better than you are."

"It's my cat's world. I'm just here to open cans."

"Keep staring....I may do a trick."

"We got rid of the kids. The cat was allergic."

"My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash, and it's gone."

"Every time I hear the word "exercise", I wash my mouth out with chocolate."

"Cats regard people as warm-blooded furniture."

"In God we trust. All others we polygraph."

Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of Biomechanics: The severity of any itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Theater Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Warm Water Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

"My Husband and I Married for Better or Worse -
He Couldn't Do Better and I Couldn't Do Worse"

"My wild oats have turned to shredded wheat"

"Real Men Don't Waste Their Hormones Growing Hair" (seen on bald man)

"Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time"

"That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" - (seen on an 8 year old)

"Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"

"I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That?"

"Party - My Crib - Two A.M." (On a baby-size shirt)

"MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team."

"Filthy, Stinking, Rich ....Well, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad"

1. Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

2. A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.

3. A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.

4. The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

5. A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

6. When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

7. A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.

8. Homosassa, FL. A man went into a hardware store to apply for a job. After completing his application he then went to the section of the store that sold guns. He asked to see a couple guns. The attendant left for a moment and the guy stole the guns. Not only was he video-taped, the police used the address on his application to go to his house and arrest him.

Monday:
Beat around the bush.
Jump to conclusions.
Climb the walls.
Wade through paperwork.

Tuesday:
Drag my heels.
Push my luck.
Make mountains out of mole hills.
Hit the nail on the head.

Wednesday:
Bend over backwards.
Jump on the band wagon.
Balance the books.
Run around in circles.

Thursday:
Toot my own horn.
Climb the ladder of success.
Pull out the stops.
Add fuel to the fire.

Friday:
Open a can of worms.
Put my foot in my mouth.
Start the ball rolling.
Go over the edge.

Saturday:
Pick up the pieces.

Whew!
What a workout!

MESS TEST: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).

GROCERY STORE TEST: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff it into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill it halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Get the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing them until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN): Obtain a large bean-bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 mo. Now remove 10% of the beans.

PHYSICAL TEST (MEN): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

CAR TEST: Forget the Miata and buy the mini van. And don't think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family size bag of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There! Perfect!

CRAFT TEST: Get an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now get a toilet paper tube. Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas tree. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of CoCo Puffs and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, you have just qualified for a place on the play group committee.

TELEVISION TEST: Learn the names of every character from 'Barney and Friends', 'Sesame Street', and 'Power Rangers'. When you find yourself singing, "I love you, you love me" at work, you finally qualify as a parent.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their child's discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and table manners. Suggest many things they can improve as well. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you'll have all the answers.

What Women Want In A Man (at age 22)
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially Successful
4. A Caring Listener
5. Witty
6. In Good Shape
7. Dresses with Style
8. Appreciates the Finer Things
9. Full of Thoughtful Surprises
10. An Imaginative, Romantic Lover

What Women Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 32)
1. Nice Looking - preferably with hair on his head
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at restaurant
4. Listens more than he talks
5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times
6. Can carry in all the groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal
9. Remembers Birthdays and Anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What Women Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 42)
1. Not too ugly - bald head OK
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner at McDonalds on occasion
4. Nods head at appropriate times when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers the punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10. Shaves on most weekends

What Women Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to appropriate length
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep while I'm emoting
5. Doesn't re-tell same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on Weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV Dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves on some weekends

What Women Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep)
5. Doesn't forget why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers when...

What Women Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 72)
1. Breathing

Mary Simpson was almost crazy with her three kids. She complained to her best friend, "They're driving me nuts. Such pests, they give me no rest and I'm half-way to the nut hatch."

"What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from yourself," her friend said.

So Mary bought a playpen. A few days later, her friend called to ask how things were going.

"Superb! I can't believe it," Mary said. "I get in that pen with a good book and the kids don't bother me one bit!"

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.

The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign .....

Energy efficient vehicle.
Runs on oats and grass.
Caution: Do not step on exhaust.

A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with Once Upon A Time?

" He replied, "No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with 'If Elected I promise...'"

Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?"
Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her stuff.
Men's Room, Linda's Grill, Chapel Hill, NC

Beauty is only a light switch away.
Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, NC

Make love, not war. - Heck, do both GET MARRIED!
Women's restroom, The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT

You're too good for him.
Sign over mirror in Women's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,CA.

No wonder you always go home alone.
Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,CA

It's not called gossip anymore. It's "the speedy transmission of near-factual information."

Your bedroom isn't cluttered, it's just "passage restrictive."

Kids don't get grounded anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps."

You're not late, you just have a "rescheduled arrival time."

You're not having a bad hair day, you're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome."

No one's tall anymore. He's "vertically enhanced."

You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."

You don't talk a lot. You're just "abundantly verbal."

The following quotes were allegedly taken from actual medical records as dictated by physicians: (maybe even your's?)

By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped and he was feeling better.

On the second day, the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.

Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

The patient refused an autopsy.

The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

The patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

She is numb from the toes down.

The skin was moist and dry.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the floor.

You take a "sick" day. The next morning the boss asks you, "So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?".

You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, "What's this?", you realize you just dropped the company's deposit in a mailbox.

A woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, "I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one's your turn". Your boss is standing behind you. It's his wife.

While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out.

You return from a week's vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week.

You realize that you just sprayed spot remover under your arms instead of deodorant.

Your 4-year-old tells you that it's almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet.

The worst player on the golf course wants to play you for money.

You get to work and find a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your office.

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

You find your sons GI Joe doll dressed in drag.

You wake up to the soothing sound of running water... and remember that you just bought a waterbed.

Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.

The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.

You call your wife and tell her that you would like to eat out tonight and when you get home there is a sandwich on the front porch.