The difference between the short tax form and long tax form is simple.

If you use the short form, the government gets your money.

If you use the long form, the accountant gets your money.

A mayor of a small town passed out pens imprinted with the message, "Got a gripe? Call the mayor."

One morning the phone rang and his secretary answered it.

"Who was that?" the mayor asked.

"A citizen with a gripe," came the reply. "He said that the pen you gave him doesn't work."

One man was talking to another man at a store.

He asked, "Where is your son?"

"Jim is in college," the second man replied.

"What's he taking?"

The second man grimaced, "Every cent I have."

Recently in Traffic Court, a man who received an expensive parking ticket, testified that a uniformed Policeman had given his OK for the man to park there.

The Judge asked the man if he would recognize the Officer if he ever saw him again, and the man replied that he would.

The Judge then said, "Good. When you see the Officer again, tell him he owes you 257 dollars. Next..."

I was playing Tooth Fairy when my daughter suddenly woke up. Seeing the money in my hand, she cried out, "I caught you!"

I froze and tried to think of an explanation for why I was putting the money under her pillow instead of the Tooth Fairy. But her next words let me off the hook. "You put that money back!" she said indignantly. "The Tooth Fairy left that for ME!"

During a CPR training class, we were paired up to practice the Heimlich Maneuver. The instructor set the scene by saying, "Imagine you're at a dinner party with your spouse and he or she starts choking."

He then reminded us not to do anything to people who were coughing, because they'd probably dislodge the obstruction on their own. We were to calm such victims with quiet talk and encourage them to continue coughing.

When the role playing began, one woman moved close to her coughing "husband." She placed a hand on his shoulder and whispered, "Honey, did you remember to mail your life insurance premium check last week?"

The mother was having difficulty gulping down the birthday cake her young son had made for her as a surprise.

When she was finished, he happily exclaimed, "I'm so glad you like it, Mommy. There should have been 32 candles on the cake, but they were all gone when I took it out of the oven."

A little boy was listening to a long and excessively boring sermon in church. Suddenly the red sanctuary lamp caught his eye.

Tugging his father's sleeve, he said, "When the light turns green, can we go?"

A nurse had been doing twelve-hour shifts on a medical/surgical unit. One evening she finally got to enjoy an action movie with her husband.

As they were sitting in the theater holding hands. During the exciting chase scene, he turned to her and said. "Look, if you wanna hold hands, fine. But quit taking my pulse, okay?"

A husband had an annoying habit of searching through the refrigerator for a snack, usually while his wife was preparing a meal.

Once, after he had gone through this routine for the third time in as many minutes, she snapped, "Nothing's any different than it was a minute ago."

"I know that," he assured her. "It's just that this time I've lowered my standards."

A young man noticed an elderly lady slowly pushing a cart through the supermarket parking lot.

Trying to be courteous, he insisted on pushing it for her as she struggled alongside, doing her best to keep up.

At the store entrance, he said, "Here you go, Ma'am," and gave her the cart.

Catching her breath, she said, "Thank you, but I was using it to lean on." 

Recently, while I was on a shopping trip in a department store, I heard a little five-year-old talking to his mother while they were on the down escalator.

He said, "Mommy, what do they do when the basement gets full of steps?"

My wife and I were visiting my mother.

My sisters, their husbands and many nieces and nephews had gathered at mom's house to welcome our newborn.

Suddenly, two of my nieces, both five, began to squabble over who'd get to hold the baby on their lap first.

My mother, with her years of wisdom, suggested they sit side by side and both hold the baby.

Not to be outdone, One niece piped up and said, "Okay! But I want the end with the head on it!"

A few friends and I were discussing diet tips.

When it was mentioned that getting enough exercise and sleep were just as important as watching food intake, someone responded with surprise that sleep was a factor.

Another replied: "Of course sleep has a lot to do with dieting. The only time I'm not eating is when I'm sleeping!"

I was leaving for a two-day conference, and my seven-year-old daughter was becoming overly clinging and teary.

I was mystified at her emotional reaction until I heard her say to my husband, "Daddy, I have a loose tooth. If it falls out while Mommy is gone, do you know how to handle this tooth fairy thing?"  

At the local gas utility written orders are issued to change meters when they are old or malfunctioning.

On the order sheet is a "remarks" section, where the service representative notes any problems that prevented the job from being completed.

The most succinct explanation to ever come back was: "DOG DOES NOT WANT METER TO BE CHANGED."

I was browsing in a souvenir shop when the man next to me struck up a conversation.

Just as he was telling me that his wife was getting carried away with her shopping, a brief power shortage caused the lights to flicker overhead.

"Ah," he sighed, "that must be her checking out now."