A little girl went up to her mother one day while holding her stomach saying, "Mommy, my stomach hurts." Her mother replied, "That's because it's empty, you have to put something into it!"

Later that day when the Evangelist and her husband were over for dinner. The Evangelist began to feel bad. Holding her head she said, "I have such a terrible headache!"

The little girl looked up at her giving her the sweetest smile that any little child could give. Then she said, "That's because it's empty, you have to put something into it!"

Following a great sermon on lifestyle evangelism one family thought they had better do something to witness to Jesus. So they invited their neighbors to dinner the following Friday night.

When it came to the meal, the hostess was keen to show their neighbors that they upheld Christian standards in their home.

So she asked little 5 year old Johnny to say grace.

Little Johnny was a bit shy. "I don't know what to say" There was an awkward pause, followed by a reassuring smile from the boy's mother.

"Well darling," she said, " just say what Daddy said at breakfast this morning."

Obediently, the boy repeated, "Oh God, we've got those awful people coming to dinner tonight"

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "I wish I had your will power."

Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife Wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying.

Few women admit their age; few men act it

Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name

Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back

Time is what keeps things from happening all at once

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math

It's lonely at the top; but you do eat better

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it

Always go to other people's funerals, or they won't go to yours

No one is listening until you make a mistake

Give me ambiguity or give me something else

We have enough youth How about a fountain of "Smart"?

He who laughs last thinks slowest

Campers: Nature's way of feeding mosquitoes

Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps

The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread

Stop repeat offenders Don't re-elect them!

The last thing on earth you want to do will be the last thing you do

Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way

If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria

If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out

Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery

I've had amnesia as long as I can remember

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks

Vacation begins when Dad says, "I know a short cut"

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries

Three Pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner. One said "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away.

Another said "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the narthex attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away."

The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since!!!"

A man in a hurry taking his 8-year-old son to school, made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited. "Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!" the man said.

"Aw, Dad, it's okay" the son said. "The police car right behind us did the same thing."

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of school, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. He had no trouble with discipline that year.

"I can't find it"
MEANS: It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I am completely clueless.

"That's women's work"
MEANS: it's difficult, dirty, and thankless.

"I don't need to read the instructions."
MEANS: I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.
"Will you marry me?"
MEANS: both of my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer and there's no peanut butter left.

"It's a guy thing."
MEANS: there's no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.

"It would take too long to explain"
MEANS: I have no idea how it works.

"I'm getting more exercise lately"
MEANS: the batteries in the remote are dead.

"We're going to be late."
MEANS: I have a legitimate reason for driving like a maniac.

"Take a break, Doris, you're working too hard."
MEANS: I can't hear the football over the vacuum cleaner.

"That's interesting dear."
MEANS: are you still talking?

"Love, we don't need material things to prove our love."
MEANS: I forgot our anniversary again.

"You expect too much from me."
MEANS: You expect me to stay awake?

"It's really a good film."
MEANS: It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and women.

"You know how bad my memory is."
MEANS: I remember the words to the theme song of Only Fools and Horses, the address of the first girl I kissed, and the plate number of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.

"Oh, don't fuss, I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
MEANS: I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt.

"Hey, I've got reasons for what I'm doing."
MEANS: what did you catch me at?

"I heard you."
MEANS: I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and hope I can fake it well enough, so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me.

"You know I could never love anyone else."
MEANS: I am used to the way YOU yell at me, and realize it could be worse.

"You really look terrific in that outfit."
MEANS: Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving.

"I brought you a present."
MEANS: It was free ice scraper on the cover of Man and Motors.

"I missed you."
MEANS: I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry, and we're out of toilet paper.

"I'm not lost, I know exactly where we are."
MEANS: No one will ever see us alive again.

"This relationship is getting too serious."
MEANS: I like you almost as much as I like my car.

A burglar got into a house one night. Shining his flashlight on the floor in the dark, he heard a voice saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He looked around nervously, shook his head, and kept looking for valuables. He again heard, "Jesus is watching you."

This time, he shone his light all over, and it rested on a parrot.

He asked, "Did you say that?"

The parrot admitted that it had. "I'm just trying to warn you, that's all."

The burglar said, "Warn me, huh? Who are you? What's your name?"

"Moses."

"Well, what kind of stupid people would name a parrot 'Moses'?"

The bird answered, "I don't know; I guess the same folks who would name a Rottweiler "Jesus'."

A man was speeding along the Interstate Highway when he was pulled over by a State Trooper. The officer wrote out the ticket and handed it to him.

"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled the man as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.

"Keep it," said the officer. "When you collect four of them you get a bicycle."

A little boy wasn't getting good grades in school.

One day he made the teacher quite surprised.

He tapped her on the shoulder and said... "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades somebody is going to get a spanking."

There is the story of a person who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news.

The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program.

The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred for real.

He asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."

Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know, I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds.

Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, "Good Lord, are you still in there?!"

A minister told his congregation, “Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17.”

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up.

The minister smiled and said, “Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.”

A minister was taking a tour of biblical sites in the Holy Land, when he came to a beach and saw a boat and a sign advertising,

"TAKE A BOAT RIDE TO THE EXACT PLACE WHERE JESUS WALKED ON WATER!!!"

Inquiring about it, he learned that the ride there was free, so he went.

After viewing it, he said to the captain of the boat, "Ok, I'm done, let's go back now." "That'll be $35 to go back."

The minister, shocked by the charge, exclaims "Dang, no wonder Jesus got out and walked!!!"

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager."

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.

Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"

"Sam," the man moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?"

With pain in his voice Sam replied, "The balcony."

A young parish minister about to deliver his first sermon asked a retired cleric for advice on how to capture the congregation's attention.

"Start with an opening line that's certain to grab them." the older man said, "For example: 'Some of the best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife." He smiled at the younger man's shocked expression before adding, "She was my mother."

The next Sunday the young clergyman nervously clutched the pulpit rail in front of the congregation. Finally he said, "Some of the best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman." He was pleased at the instant reaction-then became panic-stricken. "But for the life of me, I can't remember who she was!"

A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?"

"No," her mother replied.

"Well, I think I have to throw up!"

"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."

After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat.

"Did you throw up?" Mom asked.

"Yes."

"How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?"

"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick.'"

Mrs. Sullivan and her little daughter Patty were outside the church watching all the comings and goings of a wedding.

After the photographs had been taken, everyone drove off to the reception. Patty then asked her mother, “Why did the bride change her mind, Mommy?

“How do you mean, change her mind?” asked Mrs. Sullivan.

“Well," said the child, “she went into the church with one man and came out with another!”

"Dad, where did I come from?" A 10-year old boy asked his dad.

The father was shocked that a 10 year old would be asking a question like that. He was hoping to wait a few more years before he would have to explain the facts of life, but he figured it was better a few years early than a few days too late, so, for the next two hours he explained every thing to his son.

When he got finished, he asked his son what prompted his question to which his son replied, "I was talking to the new kid across the street and he said he came from Ohio, so I was just wondering where I came from."

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.

"Yes, sir," the clerk replied.

"That's good," the boss said. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."

Answering the phone, the minister was surprised to hear the caller introduce herself as an IRS auditor.

“But we do not pay taxes,” the minister said.

“It isn’t you, Sir, it’s one of your church members, John Doe. He indicates on his tax return that he gave a donation of
$15,000 to the church last year. Is this, in fact, the truth?”

The minister smiled broadly. “The check hasn’t arrived yet, but I’m sure I’ll have it when I remind John.”

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"

An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is nothing."

A man is sitting on his front stoop staring morosely at the ground when his neighbor strolls over. The neighbor tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds. Finally, the neighbor asks what the problem is.

"Well," the man says, "I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I'm in the doghouse."

"What kind of question?" the neighbor asks.

"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly."

"That's easy," says the neighbor. "You just say, 'Of course I will'."

"Yeah," says the other man, "that's what I meant to say. But what came out was...,
'Of Course I Do'."

“How long have you been working here?” one employee asked to another.
“Ever since the boss threatened to fire me.”

“This little computer,” said the a sales clerk, “will do half your job for you.”
The senior manager studying the machine made his decision; “Fine, I’ take two.”

Hey did you hear?
U.P.S and Fed-EX are merging. There going to call it Fed-Up

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the thing he predicted yesterday did not happen today.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next Twenty-four years telling them to sit down and shut up!

Ah! Yes, love is blind, and marriage is an eye opener!

The cheapest way to have your family tree traced is to run for a public office.

Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?
A: Spoiled milk.

A young girl came home from a date looking sad. She told her mother, “Charles proposed to me a few minutes ago.”

“Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked.

“Because he also mentioned he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn’t believe there’s hell!”

Her mother replied, “Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is.”

There was this gracious lady mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.

"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments," answered the lady.

One day a genie appeared to a California man and offered to grant him one wish.

The man said:” I wish you'd build a bridge from here to Hawaii so I could drive there anytime"

The genie frowned" I don't know. It sounds like quite an undertaking,” he said. "Just think of the logistics. The supports required reaching the bottom of the ocean, the concrete, and the steel! Why don't you pick something else?"

The man thought for a while and then said, "Okay, I wish for a complete understanding of women- what they are thinking, why they cry. I wish I knew how to make a woman truly happy".

The genie was silent for a minute, then said, "so how many lanes did you want on that bridge?"

At a fancy reception a young man was asked by a widow to guess her age.

"You must have some idea," she urged as he hesitated.

"I have several ideas," he admitted with a smile, "the trouble is that I don't know whether to make it ten years younger because of your looks or ten years older because of your intelligence."

New customer to Tech Support: “It says, hit any key and when I do that nothing happens'.

Tech Support: Can you try again and tell me what happens?

Customer: 'Tried but nothing”

Tech Support: “What key did you hit?

After a moment and some clicking sound the customer replied: Well, first I tried my car key and just now my office key.

Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes.

After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire.

Much to their relief she smiled and said: "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper."

Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said: "First Question: Which tire was flat?"

A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.

Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

Jack: "My brother was sick and went to the doctor."

John: "Is he feeling better now?"

Jack: "No, he has a broken arm."

John: "How did he break it?"

Jack: "Well, the doctor gave him a prescription and told him no matter what happened, to follow that prescription. And the prescription blew out of the window."

John: "How did he break his arm?"

Jack: "He fell out of the window trying to follow the prescription."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year old  students.

After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy answered: "Thou shall not kill."

The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.

"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor.

As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes."

"Why?" asked the pilot.

"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation.

After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said:” Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?"

Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars."

Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"

Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorogically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes: "Somebody stole our tent."

A young man at a construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone based on his strength. He especially made fun of one of the older workman.

After several minutes, the older worker had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where you mouth is?" he said. "I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to the other building that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the young man replied. "Let's see what you've got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then nodding to the young man, he said with a smile, "All right. Get in."

Marriages are made in heaven - but so are thunder and lightning.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Marriage is grand - and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one - the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and is a good cook - but the law allows only one wife.

Every woman wants a man who is handsome, understanding, economical and a considerate lover - but again, the law allows only one husband.

Man is incomplete until he marries. After that, he is finished.

Early one evening a man went out to his garage and pulled the lawn furniture out onto the driveway. Shortly after followed the lawn mower, a few gardening tools and a bicycle.

A curious neighbor wandered over and asked if he was going to have a garage sale.

"No," replied the gentleman, "my son just bought his first car and right now he's getting ready for a big date."

"So what's with all the stuff?" asked the neighbor.

"Well, after years of moving tricycles, toys and sports equipment out of the way every time I came home from work I wanted to make sure the driveway was ready for him."

Q: What is the difference between in-laws and out-laws?
A: Out-laws are wanted.

Q: Do you know why Noah didn’t fish very often?
A: He only had two worms.

Q: Why did the guy get fired from the orange juice factory?
A: He couldn't concentrate.

Q: Under law, what is the maximum penalty for bigamy?
A: Two mothers-in-law.

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die, you will have my remains cremated."

"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"

The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope, "Now, you have everything."

Sweets are the destiny that shapes our ends.

A diet is a weigh of life.

It's not the minutes spent at the table that put on weight, it's the seconds.

It's something most of us do religiously: We eat what we want and pray we don't gain weight.

The problem with curbing our appetites is that most of us do it at the drive in window of McDonalds.

The most fattening thing you can put in an ice cream sundae is a spoon.

The biggest drawback to fasting for seven days is that it makes one weak.

Diets are for people who are thick and tired of it.

The toughest part of a diet isn't watching what you eat. It's watching what other people eat.

A diet is when you have to go to some length to change your width.

The best way to lose weight is by skipping ... snacks and desert.

Most people gain weight by having intimate dinners for two...alone.

A diet is the modern-day meal in which a family counts its calories instead of its blessings.

A diet is what you go on when not only can't you fit into the store's dresses, you can't fit into the dressing room.

One guideline applies to fat and thin people alike: If you're thin, don't eat fast. If you're fat, don't eat - FAST.

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.

After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?"

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."

The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar.

And then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times.

"Now, said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"

A little girl in the back of the room raised her hand with great enthusiasm. "To make the gravy."

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. You don't want to try these techniques at home:

"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?' "

"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."

This guy is walking with his friend. He says to this friend, "I'm a walking economy."

His friend replies, "How so?"

"My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression."

Two men were stopped by a TV newswoman doing street interviews about the upcoming presidential primary election.

"I'm not voting for any of the candidates," the first man said. "I don't know any of them."

"I feel the same way," the second man said. "Only I know them all."

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers.

The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon... and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

A child's eagerness to assist in any project varies in inverse proportion to his/her ability to actually do the work involved.

Leftovers always expand to fill all available containers plus one.

A newly washed window gathers dirt at twice the speed of an unwashed one.

The availability of a ballpoint pen is inversely proportional to how badly it is needed.

Garage clutter expands. The same clutter that will fill a one-car garage will, if you move, fill a two-car garage.

Three children plus two cookies equals a fight.

The potential for disaster is in direct proportion to the number of TV remote-controls divided by the number of viewers.

The number of doors left open varies inversely with the outside temperature.

The capacity of any water-heater is equal to 1-1/2 sibling showers.

The laws of physics dictate that what goes up must come down, except bubble gum and slightly used cereal.

A woman went to a doctors' office and was seen by one of the new doctors.

But after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked her what the problem was, and when she explained, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, 'What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was PREGNANT??

The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard. 'Cured her hiccups though, didn't I?"

Patient: Doctor I have a sore throat, I ache, and have a fever.

Doctor: Sounds like some kind of virus.

Patient: Everyone in the office has it.

Doctor: Well then, maybe it’s a staff infection

Because I was processing my first accident report at the transport company where I worked, I was being particularly attentive.

The driver had hit a deer on the highway, and the result was a severely damaged hood and fender. My serious mood was broken, however, when I reached the section of the report that asked, "Speed of other vehicle?"

The driver had put, "Full gallop."

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else is starting to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.

There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory. I forget the other two.

You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

Middle age is when work is a lot less fun -- and fun is a lot more work.

Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Now isn't that a great time for a guy to get those kind of odds?

You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.

Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.

You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.

You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.

You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before!

The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.

Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.

Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.

When you lean over to pick something up off the floor, you ask yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there.

You find yourself in the middle of the stairway, and you can't remember if you were downstairs going up or upstairs going down.

Should you be fortunate enough to remember which direction you were going on the stairs, chances are good you won't remember why you were going up if you get to the top or going down if you get to the bottom.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor.

You can't have everything, where would you put it?

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

A man visiting a doctor says; Doctor I just dropped in to tell you how much I benefited from your treatment.

The doctor replied; but you are not one of my patients.

The man said: I know. But my uncle Bill was, and I am his heir.

Joan and her neighbor are talking about their daughters.

Joan says, "my daughter is at the university. She’s very bright, you know. Every time we get a letter from her we have to go to the dictionary".

Her neighbor says, "you are lucky every time we hear from our daughter we have to go to the bank".

Computer users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert.

Novice Users - People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.

Intermediate Users - People who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it.

Expert Users - People who break other people's computers.

Two explorers, camped in the heart of the African jungle, were discussing their expedition.

“I came here,” said one, “because the urge to travel was in my blood. City life bored me, and the smell of exhaust fumes on the highways made me sick. I wanted to see the sunrise over new horizons and hear the flutter of birds that never had been seen by man. I wanted to leave my footprints on sand unmarked before I came. In short, I wanted to see nature in the raw. What about you?”

“I came,” the second man replied, “because my son was taking saxophone lessons.”