The minister's little six-year-old girl had been so naughty during the week that her mother decided to give her the worst kind of punishment. She told her she couldn't go to the Sunday School Picnic on Saturday.

When the day came, her mother felt she had been too harsh and changed her mind. When she told the little girl she could go to the picnic, the child's reaction was one of gloom and unhappiness.

"What's the matter? I thought you'd be glad to go to the picnic." her mother said.

"It's too late!" the little girl said. "I've already prayed for rain."

John was never shy about reminding people that he played semi-pro baseball.

"My teammates used to call me James Bond," he was telling his friends. "I had all sorts of tricks to confuse the opposition."

"That and he batted .007," his wife added.

The following advertisement appeared in a physical culture magazine:

"Here's a good test for stomach muscles. Clasp your hands over your head and place your feet together on the floor. Now bend to the right at the waist as you sit down to the left of your feet. Now by sheer muscular control, haul yourself up, bend to the left and sit down on the floor to the right of your feet. Keep this up and let us know of the result."

The first letter received by the magazine said "HERNIA"

The father said, "My son used to be late to school every day. I fixed that when I bought him a used car!"

"Now, he is there early every day, to get a parking spot!"

I was in small-claims court when I listened in on the case of a woman who held a good job but still had trouble paying her bills on time.

"Can't you live within your income?" asked the judge.

"No, Your Honor," she said. "It's all I can do to live within my credit."

One morning a man called a taxi company & complained that a cab he ordered to take him to the airport had not arrived.

The girl who took the call apologized, "I'm very sorry the cab isn't there yet, sir, but don't worry, the plane is always late."

"Well, it certainly will be this morning," the caller said sharply "I happen to be the pilot!"

Because I couldn't unplug the toilet with a plunger, I had to dismantle the entire fixture. That's no small feat for a non-plumber.

Jammed inside the drain was a purple rubber dinosaur, which belonged to my five-year-old son.

I painstakingly got all the toilet parts together again, the tank filled, and I flushed it. However, it didn't work much better than before! As I pondered what to do next, my son walked into the bathroom.

I pointed to the purple dinosaur I had just dislodged and told him that the toilet still wasn't working.

"Did you get the green one, too"? he asked.

A 3rd-grade girl came home from school. She was very happy, and her Mom noticed this. Mom asked, "What makes you so happy today?"

The girl said, "Mom, we learned how to make babies in school today!"

Thinking that 3rd grade was a bit early for that, she asked her daughter to tell her how.

"It's easy, Mom -- you just drop the y, and add ies," the daughter said.

Father's Day was near when I brought my three-year-old son to the card store. Inside, I showed him the cards for dads and told him to pick one.

When I looked back, he was picking up one card after another, opening them up and quickly shoving them back into slots every which way. "What are you doing?" I asked. "Haven't you found a nice card for Daddy yet?"

"No. I'm looking for one with money in it."

One day, a man was driving with his four-year-old daughter and beeped his car horn by mistake.

She turned and looked at him for an explanation.

He said, "I did that by accident."

She replied, "I know that, daddy."

He replied, "How'd you know?"

The girl said, "Because you didn't say 'JERK' afterwards!"

And in recognition of "Women in History" month, does anyone know the true significance of Sacajawea's involvement in the Lewis & Clark expedition in 1804?

It was the first documented trip in history where men asked a woman for directions and followed them, allowing them to arrive at their destination.

Our son lived at home all four of his undergraduate years. He moved out only when he went to grad school and got an apartment.

The first time my husband and I went to see his new place, he greeted us, saying, "I'm glad to finally be the host."

As we walked in the door, my husband whispered to me, "Instead of the parasite."

My friend was on duty in the main computer lab on a quiet afternoon.

He noticed a student sitting in front of one of the computer workstations with their arms crossed across their chest and staring at the screen.

After about 15 minutes he noticed that the student was still in the same position only now the student was impatiently tapping their foot.

He asked if the student needed help and the student replied, "It's about time! I pushed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!"

Beth Vorhees of public TV fame said her daughter, Diana, a third-grader, was to give a demonstration speech at school. She planned to demonstrate how to make "Flies on a Log," which consists of peanut butter spread on a stalk of celery with raisins on it.

The morning of her speech, Diana took out everything she needed and put it on the kitchen counter, ready to take it to school. Unfortunately, when the girl and her mother left for school, they forgot to take the items.

Diana's mother dropped her off and went home to get the stuff.

The celery was gone. The raisins were gone. The peanut butter had been put away.

"Oh," said Diana's father. "I had that stuff for breakfast."

Beth rushed to gather up more ingredients and hurry them to school, with an apology to the teacher and an explanation of what happened.

"Gee," said Diana's teacher, "that's a first -- 'My dad ate my homework.'"

On a U.S. cruiser, the officer of the deck asked the starboard lookout, "What would you do if a sailor was washed overboard?"

"I'd yell 'Man overboard!" answered the lookout snappily.

"Good," said the officer. "Now what would you do if an officer fell overboard?"

The lookout asked, "Which one, sir?"

Johnny was one of those holy terrors. You know, the kind of child that is into everything, can't keep still, drives you crazy.

His father was surprised when Johnny's mother suggested that they buy him a bicycle for his birthday.

"Do you really believe that'll help improve his behavior?" the father asked.

"Well, no," the mom admitted, "But it will spread it over a wider area."

The mother and father had just given their teenage daughter family-car privileges. On Saturday night she returned home very late from a party.

The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At 11:30 AM the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, "Sweetheart, what time did you get in last night?"

"Not too late, Dad." she replied nervously.

Dead-panned, her father said, "Then, my precious one, I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car."

The chef of an upscale restaurant collided with a waiter one day and spilled coffee all over the computer. The liquid poured into the processing unit and resulted in some dramatic crackling and popping sounds.

After sopping up the mess, everyone gathered around the terminal as the computer was turned back on again.

"Please let it work," pleaded the guilt-ridden waiter.

A waitress replied, "Should be faster than ever. That was a double espresso."

Our six-year-old daughter, Terra, has a need to ask questions ... lots of questions. Finally, one day, my wife had it.

"Have you ever heard that curiosity killed the cat?" my wife asked.

"No," replied Terra.

"Well, there was a cat, and he was very inquisitive. And one day, he looked into a big hole, fell in, and died!"

Wide-eyed, Terra whispered: "What was in the hole?"

I was walking to lunch with a friend Kirstin and discussing the need to start an exercise program. Another friend, Sue, joined us on the walk and after listening to Kirstin and I talk about fitness, Sue said, "I'm exercising every day."

"You're exercising?" we asked. "Daily?"

"Yeah!" she replied. "I swim after work on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. And I run on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

We stopped walking, and I asked Sue, "How long have you been doing this?"

"Oh, I don't start until next week!" she replied.

One morning, when my son was about 5 years-old, he saw me putting on a pale green face-mask.

"What are you doing?" he said.

"I'm putting on a beauty mask," I replied.

"What it’s for?" he asked.

"It's to make Mommy look more beautiful," I told him.

He stood looking at me in that considering way that small children have, and then said as gently as possible, "Mommy... it doesn't."

A co-worker returned after lunch carrying a dress from the cleaners.

"Pretty dress," said one of the guys. "Big date tonight?"

"I picked it up for a friend," she replied, adding, "Do you really think I could fit in a tiny thing like this?"

He smiled and said, "Do you really think I've lived this long by answering questions like that?"

At the scale manufacturers' convention, people often wanted to weigh themselves on different scales to see if they agreed. However, some visitors abstained, not wishing to advertise their weight.

A smooth-talking representative coaxed a woman onto his scale by promising her that he would not look and that she could even cover the digital display so only she could see her weight.

She finally stood on the scale, whereupon a loud, mechanical voice from within the machine announced: "One hundred and sixty-three."

Driving along a country road, I ignored a Bridge Out sign and continued on.

But in a few miles I came to a stop: the road was completely barricaded.

So I turned around and retraced my route. That's when I saw this sign on the back of the first: "It was, wasn't it?"

I was visiting my son last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

"This is the 21st century," he said. "I don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad."

I can tell you this, that fly never knew what hit him.

Mom announced to her family, "Tomorrow morning I'm going to make an old-fashioned breakfast with eggs, ham, biscuits and grits."

The five-year-old daughter groaned, "But, Mommy, you know I don't like eggs."

Mom then reminded her of all the food the little girl liked that contained eggs.

The next morning, when the daughter walked into the kitchen, Mom said, "Since you are here first, you can decide for the family. How do you want me to cook the eggs?"

The little girl answered, "In chocolate cake, please."

A young woman, pursuing a graduate degree in art history, was going to Italy to study that country's greatest works of art. Since there was no one to look after her grandmother while she was away, she took the old lady with her.

At the Sistine Chapel in the Vatican, she pointed to the painting on the ceiling.

"Grandma, it took Michelangelo a full four years to get that ceiling painted."

"Oh my," the grandmother says. "He and I must have the same landlord."

A newspaper is a daily marvel, even a miracle. There are 1,730 of them published daily in the United States with a combined circulation of nearly 62 million. Limitless possibilities exist for error, human and mechanical. Add the crushing pressure of deadlines, and it's surprising there aren't more mistakes. When goofs do occur, editors scurry to print corrections, even though we often prefer the misprint to the corrected version. Here just a few samples:

1. IMPORTANT NOTICE: If you are one of hundreds of parachuting enthusiasts who bought our Easy Sky Diving book, please make the following correction: on page 8, line 7, the words "state zip code" should have read "pull rip cord."

2. It was incorrectly reported last Friday that today is T-shirt Appreciation Day. In fact, it is actually Teacher Appreciation Day.

3. There was a mistake in an item sent in two weeks ago which stated that Ed Burnham entertained a party at crap shooting. It should have been trap shooting.

4.From a California bar association's newsletter: Correction -- the following typo appeared in our last bulletin: "Lunch will be gin at 12:15 p.m." Please orrect to read "12 noon."

5. We apologize to our readers who received, through an unfortunate computer error, the chest measurements of members of the Female Wrestlers Association instead of the figures on the sales of soybeans to foreign countries.

6. In Frank Washburn's March column, Rebecca Varney was erroneously identified as a bookmaker. She is a typesetter.

7. There are two important corrections to the information in the update on our Deep Relaxation professional development program. First, the program will include meditation, not medication. Second, it is experiential, not experimental.

8. Our article about Jewish burial customs contained an error: Mourners' clothing is rent -- that is, torn -- not rented.

9. In the City Beat section of Friday's paper, firefighter Dwight Brady was misidentified. His nickname in the department is "Dewey." Another firefighter is nicknamed "Weirdo." We apologize for our mistake.

10. The marriage of Miss Freda vanAmburg and Willie Branton, which was announced in this paper a few weeks ago, was a mistake which we wish to correct.

11. Our newspaper carried the notice last week that Mr. Oscar Hoffnagle is a defective on the police force. This was a typographical error. Mr. Hoffnagle is, of course, a detective on the police farce.

12 In one edition of today's Food Section, an inaccurate number of jalapeno peppers was given for Jeanette Crowley's Southwestern chicken salad recipe. The recipe should call for two, not 21, jalapeno peppers. 

Son to Mother: Aw c'mon, Mom. Don't be mad at me. I never said my room was clean.

What I said was, "I'm done cleaning my room."

Several months ago, my daughter and I had similar flu-like symptoms. She decided to consult a doctor so as not to lose any more time from her job.

I said, "Good. You see the doctor, then tell me what's wrong with both of us."

The next day she called to say, "Guess what, Mom! We're pregnant!"

Bangkok Dry Cleaners:
Drop your trousers here for best results.

Soviet Newspaper:
There will be a Moscow exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

Czech Tourist Agency:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours. We guarantee no miscarriages.

In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for ladies with nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.

Tanzania coffee shop:
Coffee shop where you can relax and hold your breath.

In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
Cools and Heats: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

One night, Tim was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him.

Tim and the thief were began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Tim put up a tremendous fight. However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned Tim to the ground.

When the thief went through Tim's pockets all he could find on Tim was 25 cents. He was so surprised at this he asked why Tim had bothered to fight so hard for 25 cents.

"Was that all you wanted?" Tim replied, "I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I've got in my shoe!"

We telemarketers know we're universally loathed. Still, some people are quite pleasant on the phone.

One day I called a number and asked to speak with Mr. Morgan. The woman who answered explained that he no longer lived at that address, but she did have a number where he could be reached.

I thanked her, rang that number, and was greeted with, "Good morning, Highland View Cemetery."

Deciding to eat healthier breakfasts, my brother-in-law declared that oatmeal would now be his cereal of choice. But after eating his first bowl, he told my sister, "I hope I develop a taste for the stuff. It goes down real rough."

"Well," she asked, "how long did you cook it?"

"You're supposed to cook it?" he said.

Mother to four-year-old: "How did you get that big bruise on your leg?"

"It's not a bruise, Mommy. It's a message."

"How did it happen?"

"Well, I was jumping on the couch even though you told me not to, and I fell off and hit the table. That's when I finally got the message."

A man with a swollen foot goes to the doctor. After a careful examination, the doctor hands the man a pill big enough to choke a horse.

"I'll be right back with some water," the doctor tells him.

The doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience. He hobbles out to the drinking fountain, forces the pill down his throat and gobbles down water until the pill clears his throat. He hobbles back into the examining room.

Just then the doctor comes back with a bucket of warm water. "Ok, after the tablet dissolves, soak that foot for about 20 minutes."

A commercial property owner has three shops in a row, all for rent. The first prospective lessee shows up, and says he wants to rent the shop on the left.

The owner says, "Fine, what kind of shop do you have?"

The guy says, "A men's wear shop." The owner tells him he gets free signage and asks what he wants on the sign. "Men's Wear," says the man.

A second guy comes along and wants to rent the right hand shop. When asked he says he wants "Men's Wear" on his sign. The owner tells him that the left hand shop will be the same. "No problem," says the man.

Finally a third man comes along to rent the middle shop. The owner is most concerned because this guy also has a men's wear shop. Rather wearily the owner asks him what he wants on his sign. The guy replies: "Entrance."

Little Johnny was walking down the beach, and as he did so, he saw a matronly woman sitting under a beach umbrella on the sand.

He walked up to her and asked, "Do you go to church every week?"

"Yes." she replied.

"Do you pray often?" the boy asked next, and again she answered, "Yes."

"Do you know the Ten Commandments?"

"Yes, I do." she answered, with a smile.

"Do you keep them all?" Johnny asked.

She nodded her head, "Yes, I do." she said.

With that he asked his final question, "Will you hold my dollar while I go swimming?"

A hurricane blew across the Caribbean. It didn't take long for the expensive yacht to be swamped by high waves, sinking without a trace. There were only two survivors: the boat's owner Dr. Eskin and the steward Benny. Both managed to swim to the closest island. After reaching the deserted strip of land, the steward was crying and very upset that they would never be found. The other man was quite calm, relaxing against a tree.

"Dr. Eskin, Dr. Eskin, how can you be so calm?" cried the Benny. "We're going to die on this lonely island. We'll never be discovered here."

"Sit down and listen to what I have to say, Benny," began the confident doctor. "Five years ago I gave the United Way $500,000 and another $500,000 to the United Jewish Appeal. I donated the same amounts four years ago. And, three years ago, since I did very well in the stock market, I contributed $750,000 to each. Last year business was good again, so the two charities each got a million dollars."

"So what?" shouted Benny.

"Well, it's time for their annual fund drives. They'll find me."

While working at the Magic Kingdom in Walt Disney World, I was responsible for emptying the trash cans in front of the castle.

One afternoon as I was changing out the trash bag in one of the refuse bins, I saw a small girl point at me and overheard her ask her mother, "Who's that lady?"

"Why, honey," her mother replied, "that must be Cinderella, before she met her fairy godmother!"

Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

Remember, amateurs built the ark - professionals built the Titanic.

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.

There is always death and taxes; however death doesn't get worse every year.

If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.

You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom, sometimes age comes alone.

Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.       

A local priest and a local pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.

"Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by.

From around the curve they heard a big splash.

"Do you think," said one clergyman to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'bridge out' instead?" 

With some misgivings, we left a young baby-sitter in charge of our three energetic youngsters.

When we returned a few, hours later, she was sitting alone watching TV.

I went to check on the children, and found them in our narrow hallway. By bracing their arms and legs against the walls, two of them had climbed up to the ceiling.

"The baby-sitter taught us how," they said gleefully.

The sitter joined me, her face a deep red. "Since they had me climbing the walls, I figured they might as well be too," she stammered.

We kept the same girl for the next two years.

I was accompanying my eight-year-old daughter who was selling cookies door-to-door for the Girl Scouts. After visiting several homes, she commented on the different styles of doorbells: some buzzed, some rang, some warbled.

We made a game of guessing what the next bell would sound like.

At the precise moment she touched the doorbell at one house, the church tower down the street began to chime.

She wheeled around with a look of amazement on her face.

"Now that's a doorbell!"

I failed a Health and Safety course at the work today.

One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"

Apparently, "Great Big Ones" was the wrong answer.

Yesterday at church, a lady from the congregation was presenting the children's sermon. She walked up to the front of the church and said, "May I have all of the children?"

As the children walked forward, several parents responded, "Yes."

One quick-witted father asked, "For how long?"

A friend of ours from another city was on her way to our house when suddenly she realized she had made a wrong turn.

She stopped and asked a lady for directions.

"Go back down this road through a couple of traffic lights," she was instructed, "then stop and ask someone else."

I was working out the other day when I spotted a very attractive young lady entering the gym. I asked the trainer, "What machine should I use to impress that gorgeous girl over there?"

The trainer looked me up and down and said, "For you, I'd recommend using the ATM in the lobby."

We visited our newly married daughter, who was preparing her first Thanksgiving dinner. I noticed the turkey thawing in the kitchen sink with a dish drainer inverted over the bird. I asked why a drainer covered the turkey.

Our daughter turned to my wife and said, "Mom, you always did it that way."

"Yes," my wife replied, "but you don't have a cat!"

A 4-year-old boy was asked to give thanks before Thanksgiving dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation.

He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip.

Then he paused, and everyone waited--and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"

When the patient was wheeled into the delivery room, she told me, "I remember you from the last time I gave birth."

I was thrilled, especially since it had been a few years. "Do you really remember me?" I asked, milking it.

"Yes. You're the nurse who ate all my candy."

Every year on my birthday, I looked forward to my aunt's gift ... a scarf, hat, gloves or sweater knitted by hand.

One year, she must have had better things to do because I received a ball of yarn, knitting needles, and a how-to-knit book.

Her card read: "Hat, some assembly required."

Saturday had always been "cleaning day" in at our house, and my mother still adhered to the ritual even after all her children had left the nest. When I stopped by to visit her one Saturday, I was surprised to find her relaxing in a favorite chair.

"Aren't you feeling well?" I asked.

"I feel fine."

"But you're not cleaning."

"After all these years I've finally figured out how to get it done in half the time," Mom told me. "I simply take off my glasses."

The church where I serve has a summer ministry at a chapel.

At our first service last summer, the chairman of the board of deacons met me at the door with the information that there were no offering plates to be found. None of the men wore hats, and he thought it undignified to pass a shoe. He had tried to borrow something suitable from a house nearby, but no one was home.

When I went to the chancel to begin the service, the problem was still unsolved.

Time came for the offering, and two ushers walked down the aisle wearing broad grins and carrying shiny receptacles. The deacon had resourcefully borrowed two hubcaps from a parishioner's car.

In helping my daughter prepare for a dinner party, I volunteered to clean the refrigerator and freezer to make room for the extra food.

I restacked all the frozen dinners, but one casserole blocked my progress. Uncovering it, I found something resembling sauerkraut, noodles and hot dogs in a cream sauce ... definitely a disposal item.

I asked my daughter about tossing it out.

"Oh, no," she said. "You can't throw that away. Every time my husband comes home and sees it defrosting, he suddenly remembers seeing a new restaurant we have to try."

Needing to shed a few pounds, my wife and I went on a diet that had specific recipes for each meal of the day. We followed the instructions closely, dividing the finished recipe in half for our individual plates.

We felt terrific and thought the diet was wonderful -- we never even felt hungry!

But soon we realized we were gaining weight, not losing it. Checking the recipes again, we found it. There, in fine print, was: "Serves 6."

A man wrote a letter to one of the Chicago hotels he planned to stay at while on vacation: "I would like to bring my dog with me. He is well behaved and well-groomed. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room?"

The hotel owner replied, saying, "I've been operating hotels for thirty years. I've never had a dog steal bedclothes, towels, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to kick a dog out in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog skip out on a hotel bill. So, yes, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay, too."

A wife texts her husband on a cold morning: "Windows frozen."

Her husband texts back: "Pour some lukewarm water over it."

The wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer completely messed up now."

A newly married man, feeling a little insecure, asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"

"Honey," his bride replied sweetly, "I'd have married you no matter who left you that fortune!"

Walking through the hallways at the middle school where I work, I saw a new substitute teacher standing outside his classroom with his forehead against a locker.

I heard him mutter, "How did you get yourself into this?"

Knowing that he was assigned to a difficult class, I tried to offer moral support.

"Are you okay?" I asked. "Can I help?"

He lifted his head and replied, "I'll be fine as soon as I get this kid out of his locker."