Most people deserve each other.
All the good ones, no matter what it is, are taken.
The one who snores will fall asleep first.
The length of a marriage is inversely proportional to the amount of money spent on the wedding.
The gifts you buy your spouse are never as good and apropos as the gifts your neighbor buys their spouse.
Never get overly excited about a man/woman by just the way they look from behind.
If you help a relative in need, he/she will remember you the next time they are in need.
The probability of meeting someone you know increases greatly when you are out with someone you do not want to be seen with.
Toothaches always start on Friday night right before the weekend when the Dental Office will be closed.

A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it.

"Not Gutenberg?" gasped the collector.

"Yes, that was it!"

"You idiot! You've thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at auction for half a million dollars!"

"Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything close to that much," replied the man. "It was scribbled all over in the margins by some guy named Martin Luther."

The Dentist's Hymn:..................Crown Him With Many Crowns
The Weatherman's Hymn.........There Shall Be Showers of Blessing
The Contractor's Hymn.............The Church's One Foundation
The Tailor's Hymn.....................Holy,Holy, Holy
The Golfer's Hymn....................There is A Green Hill Far Away
The Politician's Hymn...............Standing on the Promises
The Optometrist's Hymn...........Open My Eyes That I Might See
The IRS Agent's Hymn..............I Surrender All
The Gossip's Hymn..................Pass It On
The Electrician's Hymn............Send the Light
The Shopper's Hymn...............Sweet By and By
The Realtor's Hymn.........I've Got A Mansion Just Over the Hilltop
The Pilot's Hymn.......................I'll Fly Away
The Paramedic's Hymn...................Revive Us Again
The Judge's Hymn.......................Almost Persuaded
The Psychiatrist's Hymn............Just A Little Talk With Jesus
The Architect's Hymn....................How Firm A Foundation
The Credit Card Telemarketer's Hymn....A Charge To Keep I Have
The Zookeeper's Hymn..............All Creatures of Our God & King
The Postal Worker's Hymn.................So Send I You
The Waiter's Hymn......................Fill My Cup, Lord
The Gardener's Hymn................Lo, How A Rose E'er Blooming
The Lifeguard's Hymn...................Rescue the Perishing
The Criminal's Hymn....................Search Me, O God
The Baker's Hymn.............When the Roll Is Called Up Yonder
The Shoe Repairer's Hymn...............It Is Well With My Soul
The Travel Agent's Hymn................Anywhere With Jesus
The Geologist's Hymn...................Rock of Ages
The Hematologist's Hymn..........Are You Washed in the Blood?
The Menswear Clerk's Hymn..............Blest Be the Tie
The Umpire's Hymn......................I Need No Other Argument
The Librarian's Hymn...................Whispering Hope

The pastor of our church began his sermon with this story:

"I was on a plane last week, from Chicago to California, when we ran into some very severe turbulence.

As it got worse, the passengers became more and more alarmed, and even the flight attendants began to look concerned. Finally, one of them noticed that I had 'Rev.' in front of my name on the passenger list, came over to me, and said, 'Sir, this is really frightening. Do you suppose you could, I don't know...do something religious?'"

"So I took up a collection."

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the white out. You probably got here just in time."

7. "I wasn't sleeping, I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?"

4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

3. "The coffee machine is broken."

2. "Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot."

1. "Amen."

The fellow stormed into the postmaster's office in a fury. "I've been getting threatening letters in the mail for months and I want them stopped."

"Of course," said the postmaster. "Sending threatening letters through the mail is a federal offense. Do you know who's sending them?"

"Yes," shouted the man. "It's those idiots down at the Internal Revenue Service."

The later you stay up, the earlier your child will wake up the next morning.

For a child to become clean, something else must become dirty.

Toys multiply to fill any space available.

The longer it takes you to make a meal, the less your child will like it.

Yours is always the only child who doesn't behave.

If the shoe fits...it's expensive.

The surest way to get something done is to tell a child not to do it.

The gooier the food, the more likely it is to end up on the carpet.

Backing the car out of the driveway causes your child to have to go to the bathroom.

A boy who was a witness to a crime was on the witness stand in court. He was approached by the defense attorney who asked, "Did anyone tell you what to say in court?"

"Yes Sir", answered the boy

"I thought so," said the attorney. "Who was it?"

"My father, sir."

"And what did he tell you?" the attorney asked accusingly.

"He said that the lawyers would try to get me all tangled up, but if I stuck to the truth, everything would be all right."

Everything can be filed under 'miscellaneous.'

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

No one gets sick on Wednesdays.

The longer the title, the less important the job.

Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.

Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.

Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-o to a tree.

Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.

Families are like fudge .. Mostly sweet with a few nuts.

Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.

Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need baby-sitters and too young to borrow the family car.

The patient before you was a goat.

Instead of anesthetic he has you watch PBS.

He has an assistant named Igor.

The local bar association named him "Client of the Year."

Whenever he leaves the room his nurse makes duck noises.

During surgery he has to keep repeating that "thigh bone connected to the knee bone" song.

Mike Wallace and a film crew are hanging out in his waiting room.

He asks you to turn your head and cough during an eye exam.

You can beat him in a game of Operation.

All his Medical books are from the Time-Life "Do-it-Yourself Series."

He has an office sharing arrangement with a mortician.

All the world is a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.

Almost everything in life is easier to get into than to get out of.

Always try to stop talking before people stop listening.

Any landing you can walk away from is a good one.

We sometimes get all the information, but we refuse to get the message.

There is one big difference between genius and stupidity; genius has limits.

"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed.

"Well, I went down to Busch Gardens on vacation and decided to take a ride on the Loch Ness Monster ... As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track.

I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see what the sign said.

By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view."

"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor.

"Yes," he said sheepishly, "Remain seated at all times!"

The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said "I'm so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."

The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that my dear" she asked.

The little boy replied "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the doggone walls if you came to visit us again."

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Money doesn't bring you happiness, but it enables you to look for it in more places.

Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

When you see the handwriting on the wall, you can bet you're in a public restroom.

Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.

The world is full of willing people: some willing to work and some willing to let them.

Money isn't everything.... there's credit cards, money orders, and travelers checks.

A true friend is one that lets his grass grow as tall as his neighbor's.

A baby-sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

"The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, 'Break Forth Into Joy.'"

"Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on 'It's a Terrible Experience.'"

"Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice."

"The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth."

"Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community."

"The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's 'Hamlet' in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy."

"The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her."

"22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why."

"A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday."

"Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir."

"On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better."

Little Billy's new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mom, "Where'd we get him?"

His mother replied, "He came from heaven, Billy."

Billy says, "WOW! I can see why they threw him out!"

Money Talks ... but all mine ever says is Goodbye!

I'm in shape ... round's a shape isn't it?

SHIN - A device for finding furniture in the dark.

Babies and hand grenades are similar.
Pull the pins on both and you may have a large surprise.

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing, and then they marry him.

You know it is going to be a bad day when: you confuse your chemical mace for your inhaler!    

Playing House . . .

A little girl and a little boy were at day care. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, wanna play house?"

He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"

The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your thoughts."

"Communicate my thoughts?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what that means."

The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next, it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

I was once given the following advice by a secretary:
"It's better to remain silent and be thought stupid than to open your mouth and forever remove all doubt."

Says one humorist: "Life is unfair.
I lost my car keys at a ball game and never found them.
I lost my sunglasses at the beach and never found them.
I lost my socks in the washing machine and never found them.
I lost three pounds on a diet -- I found them and five more."

Lady Astor once said to Winston Churchill at a party, "Sir, if you were my husband, I would put poison in your tea."
To which Churchill retorted, "And Madame, if you were my wife, I would drink it!"

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Include Your Children when Baking Cookies

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

A man is stretched across the sidewalk and a policeman walks up and says, "OK Mac, get up now or I'll have to take you in."

The man just stays there and moans.

So the policeman says, "State your name and where you're from."

The man mumbles, "I'm Joe. I'm from the balcony."

A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries.

The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.

"What are you doing?" his mother asked.

"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."

A TEENAGER who had just received her learner's permit offered to drive her parents to church. After a wild ride, they finally reached their destination.

The driver's mother got out of the car and said, "Thank you."

"Anytime," her daughter replied.

As the woman slammed the door, she said, "I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to God."

We've all been lost and depended on our wives to act as navigator.

Well, not long ago, Jill, her face buried in a map book, said, "Turn here!"

John did, and didn't notice the "No Left Turn" sign. Just his luck, a policeman was nearby and stopped him. He tried to explain that they were lost, and he was following his wife's directions.

He issued John a ticket for "Driving Under the Influence of Wife."

A man who had been unemployed for several months got a job with Public Works. He was to paint lines down the center of a rural road. The supervisor told him that he was on probation and that he must stay at or above the set average of 2 miles per day to remain employed.

The man agreed to the conditions and started right away. The supervisor, checking up at the end of the day, found that the man had completed 4 miles on his first day, double the average! "Great," he told him, "I think you're really going to work out."

The next day, however, he was disappointed to find that the man only accomplished 2 miles. The supervisor thought, "Well, he's still at the average, and I don't want to discourage him. I'll just keep quiet."

On the third day, the man only did one mile and the boss thought, "I need to talk to him before this gets any worse." The boss pulled the new employee in and said, "You were doing so great. The first day you did 4 miles, the second day 2 miles, but yesterday you only did one mile. Why? Is there a problem? An injury, equipment failure? What's keeping you from meeting the 2-mile minimum?"

The man replied, "Well, each day I keep getting farther and farther away from the bucket."

Bill was a frequent user of a pay telephone at a popular truck stop, and was greatly inconvenienced when the phone went out of commission.

Repeated requests for repair brought only promises.

After several days, Bill again contacted the phone company and told that there was no longer a rush. The phone was now working fine...except that all money was being returned upon completion of each call.

A repairman arrived within the hour!

Samson! Get your hand out of that lion. You don't know where it's been! (Judges 14:5-8)

David! I told you not to play in the house with that sling! Go practice your harp. We pay good money for those lessons!

Abraham! Stop wandering around the countryside and get home for supper!

Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego! Leave those clothes outside, you smell like a dirty ol' furnace!

Cain! Get off your brother! You're going to kill him some day!

Noah! No, you can't keep them! I told you, don't bring home any more strays!

Gideon! Have you been hiding in that wine press again? Look at your clothes! (Judges 6:11)

James and John! No more burping contests at the dinner table, please. People are going to call you the sons of thunder! (Mark 3:17)

Judas! Have you been in my purse again?!

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

Never lick a steak knife.

Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.

The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: "I apologize" and "You are right."

When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.

A little girl was talking to her teacher about fishes.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a fish to swallow a human because even though a fish can be a very large animal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a fish.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a fish could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

Hypnotic Suggestion

Preparing for the most important presentation of his life, a sales rep went to a psychiatrist. "I'll implant a hypnotic suggestion in your mind," said the shrink. "Just say 'one-two-three,' and you'll give the presentation of your life. However, do not say 'one-two-three-four,' because it will cause you to freeze up and make a fool or yourself."

The sales rep was ecstatic. He tried it at home and gave a fabulous presentation. He tried it at work, and got a standing ovation. Then came the big day. Everything was set up in the boardroom and the CEO signaled him to start. The sales rep whispered under his breath, "One-two-three."

Then the CEO asked, "What did you say 'one-two-three' for?"

SWISS ARMY KNIFE -- male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

TIRE -- male, because it goes bald and is often over-inflated.

WEB PAGE -- female, because it is always getting hit on.

SHOE -- male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

REMOTE CONTROL -- Definitely female, because it gives men pleasure; he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying

Sarah was the church gossip and self-appointed supervisor of the church's morals. She kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know that he was an alcoholic.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He said nothing.

Later that evening, George, quietly parked his pickup in front of Sarah's house............... AND he left it there all night.

"Well, what have we here...?"
--- He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.

"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
--- I'm stalling for time.

"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
--- I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

"Let me check your medical history."
--- I want to see if you've paid your last bill before
spending anymore time with you.

"Well, now, we have some good news and some bad news."
--- The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is,you're going to pay for it.

"This should be taken care of right away."
--- I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

"Let me schedule you for some lab tests."
--- I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

"Let's see how it develops."
--- Maybe in a few days it will grow into something
that really needs to be cured.

"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
--- I'm writing a paper and would like to use you
for a guinea pig.

"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
--- I think I'm going to throw up.

"This may smart a little."
--- Last week two patients almost bit off their tongues.

"This should fix you up."
--- The drug company slipped me some big bucks
to prescribe this stuff. Hope it works...

"Everything seems to be normal."
--- Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.

"I'd like to run some more tests."
--- I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.

Making a Good Impression

Trying to make a good impression on his boss, the young executive decided to work late one night. When he stepped out of his office to get some coffee, he noticed his boss standing at the shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

His boss stopped him and asked, "Do you know how to work this doggone thing?"

"Yes sir, it's actually quite simple." replied the young man. He then took the paper from his boss's hand and fed it threw the shredder.

"Why thank you, young man," his boss said. "A couple of copies would be just fine."

The Pastor's wife is often his best friend... or severest critic. Realizing that her pastor husband did not have a good feeling about the sermon he had just delivered a few moments earlier, she asked, "So Honey, how do you feel about the service today?"

"It was a good worship service," he responded in a somber tone, "the sermon just never got off the ground."

Before she could stop the words from coming out of her mouth, she replied, "well, it sure taxied long enough!"

Minister’s Problems

One day at a local minister's fraternal meeting, the 5 clergy present decided to pray more openly for each other.

At one point the first minister confessed of his problem with alcohol. Everyone was rather touched by his candor and so the second minister confessed that he had an addiction to gambling . Then the third minister opened up about his struggles with pornography. Before long the fourth minister began to come clean about some tax evasion.

This only left the fifth minister. After a brief pause he said: "Well ... I don't know how to say this, but ... I have a terrible problem with gossip and I just can't wait to get out of here!"

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

1) The early bird still has to eat worms.

2) I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

3) The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.

4) Don't argue with an idiot, people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

5) Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

6) Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

7) My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that's what she said.

8) Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

9) If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

10) Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever

Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the after life with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died.

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

She said, "Listen, I was a good wife, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was gonna put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage.

A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake.

The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"

Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"

Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"

Esther: "I Feel Pretty"

Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"

Moses: "The Wanderer"

Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"

Samson: "Hair"

Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"

Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"

Joshua: "Good Vibrations"

Peter: "I'm Sorry"
Esau: "Born To Be Wild
"
Jeremiah: "Take This Job and Shove It"

Shadrach, Meshach, and Abendego: "Great Balls of Fire!"

The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star"

Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale"

Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away"

Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"

Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"

*Sermon Outline:
Delineate your fear.
Disown your fear.
Displace your rear.

*Next Friday we will be serving hot gods for lunch.

*If you would like to make a donation, fill out a form, enclose a check and drip in the collection basket.

*Women's Luncheon: Each member bring a sandwich. Polly Phillips will give the medication.

*Congratulations to Tim and Rhonda on the birth of their daughter October 12 thru 17.

*If you choose to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly.

*We are grateful for the help of those who cleaned up the grounds around the church building and the rector.

*Sign-up sheet for anyone wishing to be water baptized on the table in the foyer.

*Newsletters are not being sent to absentees because of their weight.

*Helpers are needed! Please sign up on the information sheep.

*The District Duperintendent will be meeting with the church board.

*As soon as the weather clears up, the men will have a goof outing.

*Thank you dead friends.

*Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding.

*Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peach to men.

*Bring one dozen coolies wrapped for Christmas.

*Head Deacon and Dead Deaconess.

*We pray that our people will jumble themselves.

Moses: Well, how are we going to get across the sea? We need a fast solution. The Egyptians are close behind us.

The General of the Armies: Normally, I'd recommend that we build a pontoon bridge to carry us across. But there's not enough time - the Egyptians are too close.

The Admiral of the Navy: Normally, I'd recommend that we build barges to carry us across. But time is too short.

Moses: Does anyone have a solution?

Just then, his Public Relations man raises his hand.

Moses: You! You have a solution?

The PR Man: No, but I can promise you this: If you can find a way out of this one, I can get you two or three pages in the Old Testament!

Love is holding hands in the street, Marriage is holding arguments in the street.

Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant, Marriage is burger & fries at McDonalds..

Love is cuddling on a sofa, Marriage is deciding on a sofa.

Love is talking about having children; Marriage is talking about getting away from children.

Love is going to bed early; Marriage is going to sleep early.

Love is losing your appetite; Marriage is losing your figure.

Love is sweet nothing in the ear; Marriage is sweet nothing in the bank.

Love is a flickering flame, Marriage is a flickering television.

Love is 1 drink and 2 straws, Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough?"

Love is staying awake all night holding each other. Marriage is staying awake all night having an argument

Love is driving to 'lover’s lane' Marriage is driving to the supermarket

Spotted in a toilet of a London office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

One Sunday in a Midwest City, a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour.

The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle.

Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out.

Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"

After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."

"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"

Well, I'll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit down and listen."

A professor was one day walking along a very narrow street when he came face to face with a rival. The street was too narrow for two to pass. The rival, pulling himself up to his full height, said haughtily: "I never make way for fools "

Smiling, the professor stepped aside and said :" I always do. "

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.

"The front row please." she answered.

"You really don't want to do that", the usher said.

"The pastor is really boring."

"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.

"No." he said.

"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.

"Do you know who I am?" he asked.

"No." she said.

"Good", he answered.   

A young couple invited their aged pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.

"Goat," the little boy replied.

"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"

"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'"  

On a Plumbers truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

On a Septic Tank Truck sign: "We're #1 in the #2 business."

On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."

On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push."

At an Optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

At a Radiator Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."

What is the first recorded case of constipation in the Bible?
It's in Kings, where it says that David sat on the Throne for forty years.

What happens when you don't pay your exorcist?
You get repossessed!!!

Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
Even then men wouldn't ask for directions!

Did you hear about the web site with eye exercises to help alleviate eye strain when you've been working on-line too long?
It's a site for sore eyes.

Paradox: a couple of physicians.

Stalemate: your ex-husband.

Kleptomanica: the gift of grab

Hotel: a place where you trade dollars for quarters.

Privatize: Sam Spade, Philip Marlowe, and Mike Hammer.

Snowplow: a mechanical device used to fill in the end of your driveway as soon as you finish shoveling it.

Minimum: a very tiny mother from England.

Alimony: 'bye now, pay later.

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a bottle. She picked it up and rubbed it, and 'low-and-behold' a genie appeared! The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"

The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for ... a good man."

The genie let out a sigh and said, "O.K., you win . . . Let me see that map again."

A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "In-laws."

Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop

Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge

Dressing Up: Beyond the Wedding and the Funeral

Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead

Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? - You CAN Tell the Difference!

Accepting Loss: If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away

Going to the Supermarket - It's Not Just for Women Anymore!

Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink

Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!

Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!

Knowing the Limitations of Your Kitchenware: No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves

Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!

Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet

Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed

"I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!

Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them

Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime

Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It