Several women appeared in court, each accusing the others of causing the trouble they were having in the apartment building where they lived.

The women were arguing noisily even in the court.

The judge, banging his gavel to quiet them said, "We are going to do this in an orderly manner. I can't listen to all of you at once. I'll hear the oldest first."

The case was dismissed for lack of testimony.

The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted.

His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word.

"My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"

"It was terrible," her husband said, "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."

One afternoon I rushed out of the house, forgetting my keys, and found myself locked out. There was nothing I could do but wait for my husband to come home. I went over to a neighbor who was outside raking leaves.

"You locked yourself out?" he asked.

"Yeah, this is the second time since we moved in. After the first time we took an extra key and put it in a jar, then stuck it in a potted plant on the deck.

"So what's the problem?"

"I took the plants in for the winter."

After years of using the same perfumes, I decided to try something different and settled on a light, citrusy fragrance.

The next day I was surprised when it was my little boy, not my husband, who first noticed the change.

As he put his arms around me, he declared, "Wow, Mom, you smell just like Fruit Loops!"

Two husbands were discussing their married lives. Although happily married, they admitted that there were arguments sometimes. Then the first man said, "I've made one great discovery. I now know how to always have the last word."

"Wow!" said the second, "how did you manage that?"

"It's easy," he replied. "My last word is always 'Yes, Dear.' "

After the visiting preacher finished, a woman came up and said, "You were much better than the preacher we had last Sunday. He spoke for an hour and said nothing."

"Thank you," the visiting preacher replied.

"Yes," she continued. "You did it in fifteen minutes."

"This house," said the real estate salesman, "has both its good points and its bad points. To show you I'm honest, I'm going to tell you about both.

The disadvantages are that there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse a block north."

"What are the advantages?" inquired the prospective buyer.

"The advantage is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing."

The General Services Administration has experts who actually visit different agencies and suggest ways to streamline their day-to-day routines.

One such expert visited the Federal Communications Commission and suggested that they get rid of the clutter. He suggested as a start, that they throw out all correspondence over ten years old.

The FCC Director loved the idea, and replied, "Good thought. but first, we'll have to make three copies of everything."

We got lucky when we heard that the old Piedmont Hotel in Atlanta was getting a face-lift and its beautiful maple doors became available for sale as salvage items. We bought several and had them installed in our 19th-century home.

Showing a friend around the house, I pointed out the doors saying, "You know, these doors are from the Piedmont Hotel."

He raised an eyebrow. "Most people just take the towels."

A New York boy was being led through the swamps of Louisiana by his cousin.

"Is it true that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?"

The cousin smirked and replied, "Depends on how fast ya carry the flashlight."

Our family was dazzled by the sights and the bustling crowds during a visit to Manhattan. "This is the city that never sleeps," I told my eleven-year-old daughter.

"That's probably because there's a Starbucks on every corner," she observed.

Before our division was deployed, we had to repaint our Humvees from their normal "olive drab" to a "sand" color.

The result was a pinkish hue ... and then the jokes began.

One guy renamed us the Pink Panzer Division, but the best was the bumper sticker that said: "Ask me about Mary Kay."

Police in Los Angeles, California had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup.

When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "that's not what I said!"

A technician created an account for a new system user, who tells the tech that he has a hard time remembering things like usernames and passwords.

The tech suggested that he could write it on a small piece of paper until he memorized it, then destroy it, emphasizing that he shouldn't write any other information on the paper in case he lost it. The tech added that it would be the same as writing his PIN on his ATM card.

The user reached in his wallet and pulled out his ATM card and said, "Like this?"

When my brother-in-law was on leave from the Navy, he brought home a heavily tattooed friend.

We all sat down to Sunday lunch and my four-year-old nephew couldn't take his eyes off the man's colorful arms.

Curiosity finally got the better of him. Politely, he asked the visitor, "Didn't your mother give you paper to write on?"

My wife and I were browsing in a crafts store when I noticed a display of country-style musical instruments. After looking over the flutes, dulcimers and recorders, I picked up a shiny, one-stringed instrument I took to be a mouth harp. I put it to my lips and, much to the amusement of other shoppers, twanged a few notes on it.

After watching from a distance, my wife came up and whispered in my ear, "I hate to tell you this, honey, but you're trying to play a cheese slicer."

My employment search preoccupied our family for months. One day my husband told our three boys that to make things easier for me, he had a list of jobs for them.

They were all silent until our six-year-old spoke up: "When are the interviews?"

I knew that as I was getting older, I was finally able to admit that certain things were starting to "slip." In an effort to prevent this memory "slippage," I went enthusiastically to a three-hour seminar on memory improvement.

After an hour I slipped out. I had taken the same course, given by the same professor, last year.

A woman had gained a few pounds. It was most noticeable to her when she squeezed into a pair of her old blue jeans. Wondering if the added weight was noticeable to everyone else, she asked her husband, "Honey, do these jeans make me look like the side of the house?"

"No, dear, not at all," he replied, "Our house isn't blue."

He is almost over the cold he caught sleeping in the garage for 3 nights.

When Suzy got home, she told her dad that she got a 100 in school. Her dad told her to sit down and tell him all about it.

She said, "Well, I got a 20 in math, a 30 in science, and a 50 in spelling!

About five years ago, the battery in my beat-up VW beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car.

I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 30 MPH for it to start. She said fine, hoped into her car and drove off.

I sat there fuming and wondering, "What can she be doing?" A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rearview mirror coming at me at about 40 MPH, I realized that I should have been a bit more clear with my directions.

During a magazine and newspaper subscription drive, our son Philip, a paperboy, learned about good salesmanship.

His supervisor had instructed the kids to maintain a positive attitude, even when turned down. One potential customer told Philip, "I've got papers and magazines strewn all over the place -- I don't need any more."

Philip's reply? "Well, how about a subscription to Good Housekeeping?"

One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and more piercings than they wanted to count.

Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice."

"Oh please, Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"

My wife and I run a small restaurant where we often name our specials after our employees. Dishes like: "Chicken Mickey," after our dishwasher who gave us the recipe, and "Rod's Ribs," after a waiter who had his personal style of barbecue.

One evening after rereading the menu, I broke with this tradition and changed the description of the special we had named after our chef. Despite her skills and excellent reputation, somehow I didn't think an entree named: "Salmon Ella" would go over big with our customers.

My local hardware store puts its customers in their place before they even enter. The sign on the door reads:

"Shoes required, because you might hurt yourself. Shirts required, because you're not as good-looking as you think."

At a high School in Montana a group of students played a prank on the school. They let three goats loose in the school building.

Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 1, 2, 4.

Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for goat #3.

Doctor to patient's husband: "I'm sorry. We did all that was humanly possible but we just can't wake her from her coma. It doesn't look good I'm afraid,"

"But doctor, she's so young. She's only thirty-nine." 

Upon which the comatose wife said weakly ... "Thirty-seven."

My friend's flight from Boston to New York City was delayed, so she missed her connection home to Seattle. She joined a group of other passengers in line at the ticket counter, each hoping to book seats on the next flight to that destination.

All the travelers waited patiently except for one man, who treated the agent very rudely. "I had an aisle seat reserved, and I better get an aisle seat when we get on another plane," he demanded. A few minutes later everyone was relieved when they learned that there would be room for all.

"And, sir," the ticket agent said, turning to the obnoxious man, "I am happy to tell you that you will have an aisle seat." Still muttering, he picked up his carry-on and left for the gate. "And I'm also happy to announce," the agent continued, "that the rest of you will be seated in first class."

Bob was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of common knowledge and his fairly low IQ.

He turned to his wife Marlene with a look of question on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."

Marlene replies, "Why thank you, dear!"

A lady noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, she commented, "I don't think that's going to help."

"Sure it does," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."

A - Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
B - BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.
C - COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
D - DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.
E - EMPTY NEST: See "WISHFUL THINKING."
F - FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.
G - GUM: Adhesive for the hair.
H - HINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.
I - INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
J - JUNK: Dad's stuff.
K - KISS: Mom's medicine.
L - LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net a profit of 15 cents.
M - MAYBE - No.
N - Nail Polish - part of an assortment of make-up items such as lipstick, eyeliner, blush etc. which ironically make Mom look better while making her young daughter look "like a tramp."
O - OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom's nickname for Dad.
P - PANIC What a mother goes through when the darn wind-up swing stops.
Q - QUIET - A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.
R - REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air-conditioner for the kitchen.
S - SPOILED ROTTEN: What the kids become after as little as 15 minutes with Grandma.
T - TOWELS: See "FLOOR COVERINGS".
U - UNDERWEAR: An article of clothing, the cleanliness of which ensures the wearer will never have an accident.
V - VACATION: Where you take the family to get away from it all, only to find it there, too.
W - WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.
X - XOXOXOXOXO: Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note in a kid's lunch box even more mortifying.
Y - "YIPPEE!": What mother's shout the first day of school.
Z - ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.

I was visiting my daughter, a successful young professional, when I noticed half a piece of French bread in its original wrapper in her recycling bin.

When I told her that she shouldn't put bread in the recycling bin, she said, "Why not? It tastes like cardboard!"

When I asked a friend the secret to his 52 years of marriage, he replied, "We never go to sleep angry."

"That's a great philosophy," I noted.

"Yes. And the longest we've been awake so far is five days."

Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.

Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let the children play outside.

Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.

Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster

Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

Look out: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.

Preprared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.

Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

Two-minute warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

Verbal: Able to whine in words

Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house. 

One afternoon I spent a long time stuck on the grocery's express line behind a woman with way too many items.

"I'm sorry," she told the clerk. "I guess I forgot to count the things I had in my cart."

"Don't worry." the clerk replied. "Everyone behind you is counting them."

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle.

He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.

"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? and who does everything mother says?"

Five small voices replied in unison. "Okay daddy! You get the toy."

Teacher: When is the boiling point reached?

Student: When my father sees my report card!

Over the years, my husband and I have usually managed to decode the cute but confusing gender signs sometimes put on restaurant restroom doors (Buoys and Gulls, Laddies and Lassies, etc.), but every so often we get stumped.

Recently my husband wandered off in search of the men's room and found himself confronted by two marked doors. One was labeled "Bronco," and the other was designated "Cactus."

Completely baffled, he stopped a restaurant employee passing by. "Excuse me. I need to use the restroom," he said. Gesturing toward the doors, he asked, "Which one should I use?"

"Actually, we would prefer you to go there," the employee said, pointing to a door down the hall marked MEN. Bronco and Cactus are private dining rooms." 

It's okay if you're a little bottom heavy.

Hold your ground, even when the heat is on.

It takes a few extra rolls to make a good midsection.

There's nothing better than a foul weather friend.

It's not the size of the carrot, but the placement that counts.

You know you've made it when they write a song about you.

Accessorize! Accessorize! Accessorize!

Avoid yellow snow. Don't get too much sun.

It's embarrassing when you can't look down and see your feet.

It's fun to hang out in your front yard.

Always put your best foot forward.

There's no stopping you once you're on a roll.

An elderly lady lost her purse in a crowed shopping mall.

It was found by a young boy and he returned to her.

Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my purse there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."

The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward." 

December 31, 2020 I resolved to lose 20 pounds by the end of 2020.

March 31, 2020: Revised: I resolve to lose 10 pounds by the end of 2020.

June 18, 2020: Revised: I resolve to lose 5 pounds by the end of 2020.

September 18, 2020: Revised: I will not gain more than 5 pounds by the end of 2020.

November 17, 2009: Revised: I will ............

Who is more satisfied, a person with a million dollars, or a person with five children?

The person with five children.

The person with a million dollars wants more.

I had trouble with the idea of turning 30 and was oversensitive to any signs of advancing age.

When I found a prominent gray hair in my bangs, I pointed to my forehead and asked my husband, "Oh no, have you seen this?"

"What?" he asked. "The wrinkles?"

A study published in the journal "Neurology" says that people who snore are more prone to getting headaches. No reason is given.

I think it's because their spouses hit them on the head all night long trying to get them to stop snoring. 

"How long have you been driving without a tail light?" asked the policeman after pulling over a motorist.

The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car and gave a long, painful groan and put his face in his hands.

He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit.

"Come on, now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious."

"It isn't?" cried the motorist. "Then you know what happened to my boat and trailer?"

The pastor was known for the clarity and brevity of his sermons. His talks were well organized and always ended promptly in 20 minutes.

One Sunday, he seemed to wander and drift around a bit and was still preaching to the congregation after 35 minutes. His wife managed a small signal, which fortunately he recognized as a sign he should come to a close.

When they got home after the service, the wife asked him why he got so muddled and why he went on speaking so long.

He answered, "Well, I've gotten into the habit of tucking a lozenge in my mouth before I stand to speak. When the lozenge has dissolved, I know it is time to stop. This morning, unfortunately I picked up a collar button instead of a lozenge."

A pediatrician in town always plays a game with some of his young patients to put them at ease and test their knowledge of the parts of the body.

One day, while pointing to a little boy's ear, the doctor asked him, "Is this your nose?"

Immediately the little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mom, I think we'd better find a new doctor!"

A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning service.

After the benediction, he had planned to call the couple down for a brief ceremony in front of the congregation.

For the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were to be married.

"Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?" he requested.

Immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.

During a practical exercise at a military police base, the instructor was giving the class instruction in unarmed self-defense.

After he presented a number of different situations in which they might find themselves, he asked a student, "What steps would you take if someone were coming at you with a big, sharp knife?"

The student replied. "BIG ones."

When our local doctor began attending church services, the minister was delighted, and it wasn't long before they were helping each other in their work, the minister referring people to the doctor, and vice versa.

One referral from the doctor called at the church office with a note prescribing the minister's last four sermons. The minister was most pleased until he discovered that the patient's problem was insomnia.

A few years ago, I decided to visit my brother who was stationed in Germany. I assumed that most Germans would speak English. I found that many people spoke only their native tongue - including the ticket inspector on the train. He punched my ticket, then chatted cordially for a bit, making gestures like a windmill.

I nodded from time to time to show him that I was interested.

When he had gone, an American woman soldier in the compartment leaned forward and asked if I spoke German.

"No," I confessed.

"Then that explains," she said, "why you didn't bat an eyelid when he told you that you were on the wrong train."

A young couple moved into a new neighborhood.

The next morning while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside.

"That laundry is not very clean," she said. "She doesn't know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap." Her husband looked on, but remained silent.

Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make the same comments.

About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband: "Look, she has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this?"

The husband said, "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows."

A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was playing with extraordinary performance.

"This is a very smart dog," the man commented.

"Not so smart," said one of the players. "Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."

A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the offering plates.

When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster spoke up loudly: "Don't pay for me Daddy, I'm under five."

My teenaged niece was nervous as she took the wheel for her first driving lesson. As she was pulling out of the parking lot, the instructor said, "Turn left here, and don't forget to let the people behind you know what you're doing."

She turned to the students sitting in the back seat and announced, "I'm going left."

During my stay at an expensive hotel in New York City, I woke up in the middle of the night with an upset stomach. I called room service and ordered some soda crackers.

When I looked at the charge slip, I was furious. I called room service and raged, "I know I'm in a luxury hotel, but $11.50 for six crackers is ridiculous!"

"The crackers are complimentary," the voice at the other end coolly explained. "I believe you are complaining about your room number."

A woman phoned her dentist when she received a huge bill. "I'm shocked!" she complained. "This is three times what you normally charge."

"Yes, I know," said the dentist. "But you yelled so loud, you scared away two other patients."

Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when
it was finished. Ralph, Age 11, Akron

Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there
may be one in my class. Carla. Age 10, Salina

Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he
gives us a sermon about something. Robert, Age 11, Anderson

Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the
plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could
you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance? Love, Patty. Age
10, New Haven

Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your
church if you moved it to Disneyland. Loreen. Age 9. Tacoma

Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good
health is more important than money but I still want a raise in my
allowance. Sincerely, Eleanor. Age 12, Sarasota

Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am
flying to California tomorrow. Laurie. Age 10, New York City

Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team.
We need God's help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander. Age
10, Raleigh

Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten
Commandments. But I don't think I want to because we have enough
rules already in my house. Joshua. Age 10, South Pasadena

Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the bad
people? Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers?
Sincerely, Marie. Age 9, Lewiston

At the end of the day, a policeman parked his van in front of the station. As he was gathering his equipment, his dog started barking.

The policeman looked up to see a puzzled looking little boy who asked, "is that a dog you have back there?"

"Yes, it is," said the policeman.

"What'd he do?"

Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike.

Hospital officials say they will find out what the doctors' demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs!